Notes on Life and Learning Lessons Chapter 8

On the Wearing of Sexy Clothes

And Buddha’s Middle Way

I once met a former student at the university canteen. After the greetings, we had a light talk. In the course of our conversation she said that she would go on a blind date the following evening. The date was arranged by a friend who said that her date was good-looking. She asked me, “I know sir that you are a bit conservative. Do you think it would be good for me to wear sexier clothes so I would look more appealing?”

I laughed. Then she said, “Serious na tayo, Sir (Let us be serious, sir). I am now 25 and I believe it is time to seriously consider getting married one or two years from now. So, what do you say?”

I stopped laughing. Realizing that she really wanted a piece of advice, I said, “So we are now serious. If you wear sexy clothes, either you attract the wrong kind of men or you meet a good man whose sexual instincts will be aroused when he sees you. He will see you as a sex object. He will focus his attention on your body. He will no longer be interested in knowing what is inside your heart and mind.”

“But isn’t physical and sexual attraction important?”

“You were once a student of mine in Asian history,” I said. “Do you remember a great Asian teacher who once spoke of the Middle Way? There is great wisdom in His teachings. If I will apply that general principle to your question, I will say avoid the two extreme ways of looking at sexual or physical attraction. To view it and behave as if it is not important, as if it does not exist like what some religious people do, is wrong. The fact is, it is there, it is natural. It is a part of us and therefore we should use it. To treat it as if it is the most important thing in life, to allow our passions and desires rule our lives is also equally wrong. For our passions and desires are like flames. The flame can be used to warm people’s hearts and to make them feel our love and affection, or it can be used to burn others and ourselves to the ground. The point to remember is this: while sexual or physical attraction is a natural part of us, we must use it correctly.

I paused for a while. I thought of sharing further the idea of how passions and desires can be transformed into something “higher”. So I continued and said, “If you continuously use passions and desires to express love and compassion for others, you purify your emotions. Later, you will notice that in the process, your intimacy with the person you love becomes more and more meaningful and wonderful. At a certain point, such intimacy becomes so beautiful, for depth has found depth.”

She said that what I said sounded good though a bit heavy. She looked a bit confused. She asked again, “So what should I wear? Should I wear clothes like those of nuns?”

I laughed again. Then I said, “Hindi bagay sa’yo ang magsuot ng damit pang-madre! (Wearing a nun’s dress does not fit your personality!)” Seriously, just dress neatly, smile and talk calm and clearly when you meet him. On meeting and talking with a person, a Taoist once said:

Too loud and we are not heard. Too bright and we are not seen. Too fancy we are hidden. Too much and we are obscured. Let speaking come from deep within.

Is the saying too heavy? I am just trying to refresh your memory regarding Taoism which we used to study in Asian history. Anyway, since you are basically a good and sincere person, just be yourself. If your blind date doesn’t find you ‘attractive enough’ even only as a good friend, then he is probably not looking for someone to love forever but only for a cheap sex thrill. Forget him. He is not the right man for you. A good man never plays with people’s lives for our life is a precious gift from Someone Above.”

She then replied, “Heavy na kayo, Sir, (You are now profound, Sir,) but I am glad I talked to you. I will just be myself when I meet him tomorrow. I really hope to see you again.”

Before bidding her goodbye, I said, “Your friend has said your date is good-looking. Give more weight to his character. Good looks are good only for another 25 more years or so. It has nothing to do with having a good boyfriend. A good character lasts a lifetime. It has a lot to do with having a worthy companion in life. Goodbye and good luck!”

Notes on Life and Learning Lessons Chapter 9

On Learning

To Know

People Better

A lady friend and I had a little talk at school. She said, among other things, that she had a new boyfriend. I saw a little glow in her eyes.

“How well did you know him before he became your boyfriend?” I asked.

“Not much but he looks like a good man,” she said.

“Do you think he loves you sincerely?”

“I am not sure. Will you help me check? A common friend of ours said that you have ‘a special way, a special skill’ of knowing things. Can you use it now so I can know if my new boyfriend truly loves me?”

I smiled and replied, “A spiritual sage once said that life here is like one big school. We are here to learn lessons from life so we could progress towards knowing who we really are and what we really can be. I believe that one important lesson we have to learn is how to know the sincerity of a person relating with us. I once wrote a poem on this topic. A few lines go this way:

Learn how to listen to what is said,

as well as to what is not said

Learn how to see what is given for us to see,

as well as to see what is kept hidden

Learn when to trust,

and when you have to know more of a person.

“If I told you now what kind of man your boyfriend is, you will not learn the lesson you have to learn. If a parent does the homework of his/her child, the child does not learn the lesson well. I should not do your homework for you. If I do, I will be a bad Teacher of Life.

“However, if after some repeated attempts, you still cannot seem to get the right answers, please see me. I will share with you a few relevant experiences and insights. I will also give you similar problems to solve…an additional ‘homework’.”

She was amused by my answer. After a while, she smiled and thanked me

Notes on Life and Learning Lessons Chapter 10

On the Difference

Between Love and Pity

A good old friend once came by to see me. He said he wanted to consult me on a very important problem. I said I was honored that he considered consulting me. I asked him what his problem was.

“There is someone I love. She is much younger than me. She had an unfortunate childhood experience. She comes from a battered family. Whenever she has a problem and I want to be of help to her, she thinks that I do it out of pity and not out of love for her. She has repeatedly turned down my offer of assistance.”

“How much do you love her?” I asked.

“Very much…deeply,” he said.

I saw in his eyes that he was telling the truth. Then he asked me, “Tell me, what is the difference between love and pity?”

I thought about the problem of battered children and wives. Almost a year ago, there was a conference on violence within the family. The conclusion was that it had increased considerably. As the family is the basic unit of society, the problem then is not personal. This is a social problem, a serious social problem.

The problem must be confronted seriously. For while the physical wounds can heal in a week or so, the much deeper wounds in the hearts and minds of battered children and wives can take many, many years to heal. Those who are less strong are never table to heal completely.

The conspiracy of silence must be broken. It must be shattered. Such silence actually is deafening to the victims since they suffer deeply in silence. The government and all concerned people should not cover up this social problem nor should they take a look at it lightly. There should be decisive laws and more public concern in stopping brutal men from battering their helpless children and wives. Such brutal men should be put behind bars to stop their cruelty. Such men are heartless criminals with distorted minds. In the shattering of the deafening silence, in the sharing of the pain, the healing begins.

I sadly looked at my friend and answered, “When there is someone who needs help, love and pity share a common goal. It is their desire to answer the immediate problem of the person. But, pity has a different way of looking at the person. It has a different way of looking at life. Pity does not involve itself with the roots of the problem. It does not concern itself with helping the person heal his/her wounds in the heart and in the mind. It is not concerned with the long-term goal of helping the person stand up on his/her own two feet. Nor is pity concerned with helping the person face life’s difficulties. Pity is only concerned with giving immediate relief like giving relief goods to disaster-stricken people or a peso or two to beggars and the poor street children. It will be a good start for people to search deeper for the root causes of such a social problem. Most of them, however, after the relief goods or money have already been given, forget the victims.

“Love, on the other hand, while being concerned with the immediate problem is also and more importantly concerned with the long-term goal of helping people understand life more. Love encourages them to seek and to fight for the good and noble life.”

“That is what I have been doing, sharing my experiences, listening to her problems and giving my views on her problems. But why could she not see that I love her? Instead, she only thinks that I pity her.”

“Perhaps the answer is in her sad past. There is so much pain in her heart. There is much confusion in her mind. Her dignity has been deeply wounded. She believes that to regain that dignity, she must refuse any assistance. In a way, it is a good thing that she strives to solve her problems through her own efforts. That will strengthen her character. You should be proud of her for striving to be self-reliant.

“But the problem comes when her best id not good enough. At that point in time, she actually needs help but doesn’t want help and so, she gets confused and bitter. Because she sees any offer of help as ‘out of pity’, she refuses to be loved by those capable of loving her. This situation makes her unable to love others. The wound in her heart can not be healed unless she learns how it is to love and to be loved. Until she learns that lesson, she will not be able to see clearly nor feel deeply what is truly in your heart.

“I suggest you refrain talking about that offer if yours to help her. When she herself wants to talk about it, that is the right time to offer your help again. Just tell her that anytime she needs you, you will always be there. Tell her that it will make you happy if you can help her for it is a way of expressing your love for her. Meanwhile, focus on sharing your humor and laughter. If you wish to share with her some of the things you have learned in life, remember that while your experiences and insights can help clear her sometimes confused mind, only gentleness, kindness and lovingness can heal the deep wound in her heart.

“And don’t forget – she is still quite young as you have said. Be patient. Remember how you thought and behaved when you were that young also. There are stages of development in life that we all pass through. It is up to us to hasten or slow down our progress depending on how fast or how slow we wish to learn from our experiences. Sadly speaking, some refuse to learn and so they keep on repeating the same mistakes. They get stuck on one stage of life.”

He stood up and said, “I have to go now. You have thrown a new light on a few important things that have troubled me for quite some time. Now, my heart feels lighter and my head, clearer. Indeed, you have changed. My friend, thank you very much. I hope to see you again.”

“I would be very happy to see you again. Bring along the young woman you deeply love. I would like to meet her. You know, my friend, we all change. Some change faster, some slower…some change for better, some, sadly, for worse. If we spend a little time everyday to look into our weakness, to study them and then to resolve to overcome them, we will change faster for the better. Goodbye. Take good care of yourself.”

Notes on Life and Learning Lessons Chapter 11

On a “Moment of Weakness” and

The Breaking of a Beautiful Vase

I once attended a history conference in the province. During the morning break, a woman in her late twenties approached me and asked if I remembered meeting her. I replied that most probably, she was a former student of mine. She smiled and said that indeed it was some ten years ago. I shook her hands as I asked how life had been since I last saw her. We shared a few stories and a few reminiscences.

While I asked about what happened to some of her classmates, a young beautiful child, between five to six years of age, approached her and held her hand. I asked if the child was hers. She said yes. I inquired about her husband. She said that her husband was working abroad. I commented that the child was more beautiful than her. She laughed. At this juncture, the emcee of the program announced that the break was over and that the program will commence in a few minutes. I told her that it was so nice to see her again and we parted ways.

At lunch break, she sat by the table next to mine. When lunch was over, I joined her at her table and we resumed the discussion on the lives of her former classmates. In the course of our conversation, a troubling thought crossed my mind. I told her, “There is something serious I want to tell you about. Your husband loves you very much and he is working hard to give you and your daughter a good future. You have no problem with him. Your family right now may be likened to a beautiful flower vase with beautiful flowers in it.

“Because of certain unplanned circumstances, you saw again an old flame, a former classmate. It now appears that there are a few sparks beginning, so to speak. It may lead to a flame again. A single mistake, a moment of weakness, can make the vase fall and break. It will be very difficult to put the broken pieces back again, and restore it to its original beauty. Of course, with courage, sincerity and love, the vase can be made beautiful again. Painting it with new and different bright colors may cover the cracks. But, it is a lot better, a lot wiser not to break the vase in the first place so that much pain can be avoided.”

She appeared a bit shocked and said, “How could you know these things? Could you read minds? Could you see auras or something like that?”

“If I told you how I could do it, would that knowledge help you in any way? Focus on what I said. In your case, let the past belong to the past so you could still remember it as beautiful as it was before. The part of your past no longer has a right place in the present. Only if you are no longer happy with your husband for good reasons, of course, it is right for you to seek happiness in somebody’s arms. Till then, I advise you to think ten times before you decide to break the vase.”

She said that her nights were lonely and cold. She also needs warmth. I replied, “Seek warmth from your daughter, from your own family, from your friends and other loved ones. If that is not enough, I suggest that you talk with your husband and discuss what is more important: a whole happy family together with less money or a family with more money but with a greater possibility of breaking up. Be open to him. That is the right way to solve your problem.”

As the afternoon program commenced, she thanked me and asked if she could see me again for some further talks. I happily gave her my phone number and said that it was a privilege to be of help to people.

The conference ended late in the afternoon. As I was about to take a bus home, she approached me and asked once more, “How did you know my situation, really?”

I smiled and said, “When it is time for you to know, I will tell you. Meanwhile, focus on what I have said.”

She respectfully smiled and waved goodbye as the bus began to move away.

Notes on Life and Learning Lessons Chapter 12

The Frog & the Fish

Someone once approached me and said, “A friend of mine whom you have helped in a way, told me that you seem to know what is beyond this world. Tell me, is there really a heaven and a hell? Are there angels and demons? Who and what is God?

“You are a Catholic. Isn’t it quite strange that you ask me whether the things you believe in are true or not? Is it not that you believe in something because you believe it to be true? But of course, those who taught you these things taught you to just believe. They told you not to find out whether they are true or not.

There are many things many people believe in which are not true. Many people believe that more money to buy more material things automatically makes one more happy. Thus, one focuses his/her life on how to get more and more money. Such a belief is not true. Beyond a certain minimum, beyond what is necessary to live a decent life, what truly matters is what you have inside of you, what you can meaningfully share with others – kindness, thoughtfulness, helpfulness, truthfulness and the courage to do what is right. The happiness one feels in the heart and in the mind as one shares these non-material things with others is far superior than the happiness one feels in the body as he/she gets more expensive things for himself/herself.”

“Understanding what is true and what is not, what is right and what is wrong in this world is easy enough. But knowing what lies beyond this world is not easy. Could you tell me then the truth regarding my beliefs? Is there really a heaven and a hell? If there is indeed a heaven and a hell, how do these places look like?” he insisted.

I smiled and said, “You think understanding what is true and what is true, what is right and what is wrong in this world is easy enough. My friend, if that were so, there would be no more or very little poverty, senseless violence, disrespect and abuse of women, exploitation and oppression in this world. Perhaps, it is easy enough. Yet, why do many people, especially among the rich and powerful, continue to do what is wrong? Why do they continue to exploit and oppress precious human lives and mindlessly plunder our natural resources? Is it easy to stop them? Of course not. It may even cost your life. But it is the duty of all those who still care to stop them.

Anyway, I can see in your impatient eyes that you really came to know whether there is indeed life after death and the worlds beyond us. Very well, there is a very old story that can answer you question. More or less, it goes this way:

A student once asked his spiritual master, “Master, what lies beyond the grave? Is there really life after death? If so, how does that ‘new world’ look like?”

The master gently smiled and said, “There were once a frog and a fish who became very good friends. The frog played with the fish in the water for sometime. Then, one day the frog left the water and went on land to get some other food and to be with his fellow frogs. After some time again, he went back to his friend, the fish.

“Where did you go?” the fish asked.

“Oh, up there in the land,” the frog answered.

Since this was the first time the fish had a frog for a friend, he became very curious and bewildered. He then asked, “What is up there? Can you swim on it?”

“No, it is not like that,” the frog replied.

“Can you drink on it?” the fish asked again.

“No, it is not like that up there,” the frog said.

The fish finally asked, “Then, how is it up there? How different is it from the waters here?”

The frog thought for a while…and then he finally said, “Even if I told you how it is up there, you cannot understand it. Just try to understand more your life here in the water and try your best to be a good fish.”

My guest kept silent and appeared to be in deep thought. After a while I said,

“I know what you are thinking of. Aside from the obvious lesson of the story that it is beyond the capability of ordinary men to know what lies beyond this world, you are also thinking about how ordinary men can go beyond their normal capabilities. You are thinking about how the fish can get out of water and still survive to see and know what land is. You believe that I know the answers but I look just like any other ordinary man.

There is something in all men and women that makes them different from all other creatures. We are all made in the image and likeness of God. We are all children of One Beloved Father. The Father gave us a soul which made us extraordinary. It is the soul that can make us go beyond our normal capabilities. Somewhere along the road of life, we got lost and totally forgot who we are.

For us to eventually know who we are, we must increase our knowledge of what is true and what is not true, of what is right and what is wrong which you find easy enough. Then you must do what is right and fight against what is wrong. Perhaps, that is not quite easy. When you have truly mastered these things, which in a way will make you quite extra-ordinary like the frog that can go into two different worlds, you know you will know the answers to the questions you ask of me.”

Notes on Life and Learning Lessons Chapter 13

The Difference Between

Being Careful and Having

The Fear of Loving Again

It was nearing Christmas. I met a young lady friend at the campus. I asked her if she had someone special this Christmas. She smiled and said, “There is someone who is courting me. I met him a month ago. He looks okay. He appears to be basically a good and honest person. He says he wants to visit me this Christmas season at my home. I told him I would think about it.”

I asked her why she seemed to be reluctant when she said that the guy appeared to be basically good and honest. She paused for a while and her face began to look a bit sad. Then she said that she had a few boyfriends before and sadly enough those few boys made a fool of her. They just played with her. Some of them did not respect her feelings and ideas about things she did not want to do yet. She was now afraid to love again. She looked quite confused and sad.

“Do not be afraid to love again. It is our nature to love and be loved, to long and to belong. A Taoist philosopher once said,

Is it in each one to seek twoness,

And in each two, to seek oneness?

Can we choose not to love?

You just have to be careful,” I said. “Indeed, in our society where many men look at women as objects of pleasure, where women are seen and treated by many men as things to use and abuse, you have to be very careful. But, overcome your fears. There are also good and honest men.”

“But what is the difference between being very careful and having fears of loving a man again?” she asked.

“Being careful means that you take the time to know the man. Did you have enough time to know those few boyfriends you have had who were not worth your love and affection? Nowadays, many young people enter into a relationship after a few weeks of meeting the person. How can you truly know a man if he only brings you out to nice places, gives you nice gifts and talks only about the nice things in life? Did you try doing or saying something he did not like? You begin to know more about the true character of a man by the way he handles honest differences of views on important matters. Some men insist on their machismo or the so-called male superiority. They force to see and do things the way they like it. Such men are very selfish. They only think of that which makes them feel superior. They insist on that which flatters their male ego. They do not care much about other people’s feelings and ideas. They do not respect and appreciate a woman’s independence of thought and feelings. Such men, consequently, fail to value a personal relationship. Such men will only hurt you.

“To know the true character of a man is not easy. When you say or do things he does not approve of, he just might pretend that it is all right. He can pretend to be patient and understanding to win your love. So, think of ways by which you could see what they are hiding and hear what they possibly are not saying. Take time to know the man. More importantly, learn a lot from your past experiences. Go over your experiences again. Find out why you were not able to see the difference between what you thought of them initially, and what they really were after winning your heart. Find out the lessons to be learned. Use the lessons to guide you now. Being careful means that your heart is still open to those men who are truly sincere while it is closed to those men who have selfish and destructive intentions. Fears, on the other hand, close your heart right away to both sincere and insincere men. It means not giving yourself a chance to love again.”

There was silence for a while.

“Out of 10 men who court you, how many are sincere in their intentions?” I asked. “How many really care about your heart and mind? How many try their best to make you happy?”

“I guess only two out of ten men today would really love me and take real good care of me,” she replied. “My parents tell me that men today are different from the men of their time. My mother believed that there were more sincere men then, perhaps six out of ten.”

“If you are careful in choosing the man you will give your heart to, you will find the two out of ten men,” I said. “If you fear loving again, you will never find those two men. If you are not careful, you will end up with one out of the eight who are only after your body. So, just be careful.”

She thought for a while. Then she said, “I will have a visitor this Christmas. Though it is not easy to let go of my fears, I shall try to love again. Thank you and merry Christmas!”

I returned her Christmas greetings and added, “I know it is not easy to let go of your fears. All wounds take time to heal. A small wound in the heart is more difficult than heal a big wound on our hands. So again, be careful. If you learn from your mistakes, you will most likely find the man who will truly love you and who will take real good care of you someday. Goodbye and good luck!”

Notes on Life and Learning Lessons Chapter 14

Physical Defects

Compared to

Defects in Character

Someone visited me once and inquired about a healer. “A common friend of ours told me that you know a certain Chinese healer who could cure many diseases that Western-trained doctors could not cure. Our friend said that the Chinese healer could cure scoliosis, asthma, high blood pressure, diabetes, and many other diseases. Our friend further said that the healer had a special friend for nine years at a Brotherhood in China led by Taoist Spiritual Masters. As you might have noticed, I limp a little when I walk. Could you give me his address and a little note of introduction?”

I quickly got a pen and paper. I wrote the address. As I handed it to her, I said, “I guess that limp of yours is bothering you a lot. I am sure my Chinese friend, the healer, can do something about it.”

She sighed and said, “I hope so. Actually it is not much of a physical problem. It does not hurt. It becomes a problem only when I have to run. I can not run as fast as the others. You see, the real problem is I will be teaching when the schoolyear opens. It is my first job. I fear that my students and co-teachers will secretly pity me or laugh at my deformity. How can I then effectively teach? My inferiority complex will worsen.”

I kept silent for a while and looked at her sad troubled eyes. I felt the deep insecurity inside her.

“There are many people out there, especially among the rich and the powerful, who have serious defects in their character. They lie, they cheat, they steal. There is much greed and selfishness in their hearts and minds. They lust for more power, wealth, and pleasures of the flesh. These men take advantage of the beautiful, innocent young daughters of poor people who are forced by their unjust circumstances to entertain them. These men abuse young helpless women like mad hungry dogs. They think and act in a superior manner.

Tell me, in the eyes of God, who is truly superior and who is truly inferior – the basically good and honest person with a physical defect or the very physically fit, healthy, and nicely-dressed person with basic flaws in his character? Yes, the truly superior person is one who thinks and does good, one who follows the will of God no matter what. You are basically a good, hard-working, and honest woman. You should be able to look at anybody straight in the eyes without fear or shame. There is actually no reason for you to feel inferior.”

“What others think of you is much less important than what you think of yourself. As long as your heart and mind is clean, do not let what others think or say about your physical defect bother you. If you simply strive hard to be a good teacher, to be kind and helpful to your students and co-teachers, they will eventually see more and more of the goodness that is inside you and see less and less of your outward physical defect,” I said.

She slightly nodded her head and thanked me. As she bade goodbye, she curiously asked me, “Excuse me sir, are you some sort of preacher or lay minister?”

I smiled and said, “I am also a teacher by profession, teacher of history. I am also a student, a student of life and so occasionally, I take down ‘notes on life’. Oh, by the way, you don’t need a letter of introduction to my Chinese friend, the healer. He will help you no matter who you are. His name is Aurelio. He charges nothing for his services. He is actually an architect and engineer by profession. He is quite a superior man. When you see him, please extend to him my warmest regards.”