Valentine’s Day and “Crushes”
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t was nearing Valentine’s Day and there was a fair in the university where I teach. A few former students saw me and asked if I could spare some minutes to answer a few questions regarding their love problems. I laughed a little and said, “I no longer have classes. I would be happy to answer your questions regarding your love problems.”
One immediately asked, “Sir, there is this classmate who I like very much, I have a serious crush on him. Can you know if he also likes me, I mean, does he also have a crush on me?”
I replied, “Is it hard to know if a man likes you or not? Is this not easy to know, I mean, if a man likes you, you can readily see and feel by his actions towards you if he likes you or not.”
“Well sir, you see, there are times when it is obvious that he likes to be close to me but there are also times when he does not even greet me when we meet. He acts as if he doesn’t care that I’m right there in front of him. I cannot understand why he behaves that way. Please, try to know why he is like that and whether he also has a serious crush on me or not. Furthermore, if he really likes me, when is he planning to court me?”
I thought for a while about what she said. I then concluded that it was not a normal, natural behavior and so, I agreed to find out the answers to her questions. I asked the first name of the young man and told her to wait for around 10 minutes.
Thereafter, I told her, “That young man also likes you, he also has a crush on you. That is why sometimes, he consciously tries to be close to you.” She gave me a big happy smile and asked, “But why is he not courting me?”
“Oftentimes, people are not as simple as you think they are. People are like trees. Trees have roots that you cannot see and the roots determine to an important extent, the strengths and weaknesses of the trees. The roots of the behavior of that young man go as far back as his past life. That young man then had a very bad, authoritarian father. In that lifetime, his father dictated what to do and what not to do. His father had very strict rules to follow. Going against the rules meant severe punishments. Thus, he developed a deep fear of expressing what he thought and felt inside. He could not express his ideas nor his feelings on anything. One result is that he became “the silent type”, the seemingly “shy type”.
He carried that wrong behavior in this lifetime since he was not able to correct it in that last past life. He has a good father now who does not dictate on him what to do, what to think and what to feel. However, his father now simply thought that some people are just like that, i.e. some are the introverted “the silent type” while some are the extroverted, noisy type. His present father did not anymore try to correct his being introverted, his being shy, his inability to say what he thinks and feels about things, issues, etc. Thus, even if he has a crush on you, he cannot say it, he cannot find the courage to court you. That us why sometimes when you see each other, he does not greet you, he acts as if you are not there. There is this deep fear and confusion inside him.”
She looked a bit sad and confused. Then she asked, “What can I do to make him court me? How long will I wait till he develops enough courage to court me?”
“ His problem has deep roots. It is very hard to uproot his weakness, it will be very hard for him to change and correct his weakness. I don’t think he will be able to develop enough courage to court you in a few years. My advice to you is, as he is basically a good man, continue to be friendly with him. Show him indirectly that you like his company, that you consider him a close, reliable friend. Most importantly, help him to change and correct that particular weakness in him by consciously always asking him for his views and feelings on any subject matter that you are talking about. If you are discussing about a certain movie that he also saw, ask him about his opinions and views about that movie. Be conscious to allow him to speak more. Play the role of being the one who asks more questions than giving answers.
Furthermore, when you think that his answers are good, say that you like his ideas, that you appreciate his views and insights. In that way, he will gain confidence to express his ideas and feelings. In that way, you will heal the deep wounds inflicted on him by his bad, dictatorial father in his last past life. If you do these things, there is a big chance that in few years, he will have enough courage to say to you what he feels for you.
But the more important thing to keep in mind is that by helping him overcome his shyness, his inability to express his ideas and feelings, you are helping a good man to overcome a certain trauma he had in his last past life. In life, as you do more good things, you build your good character, you become a better person. Improving your good character, becoming a better person, is the most important thing to do in life. Keep that in mind.”
I kept silent for a while, waiting for her reaction. She also kept silent for a while, apparently thinking over the things I have said. A few minutes after, she said, “what you advise is simple but serious. I thought my simple question would have a simple answer. Anyway, I’ll try to help him overcome his shyness. Thank you sir for your not-so-simple answer.”
“I’m happy you decided to help him. As I have said, he is basically a good man. He deserves to be helped. You know, regarding again his shyness, the psychologists rightly point out that what you ordinarily see in people is just like the tip of an iceberg above the sea. The much bigger part of the iceberg that you do not see is submerged underwater. Indeed, oftentimes people are not as simple as they appear to be. So much is hidden so we have to be careful in making simple conclusions. We must strive to be more understanding of people. Anyway, good luck to your efforts in helping him. Good luck also to a beautiful love relationship that would very possibly develop in a few years.”
She gave me a big smile again and said, “Thank you again sir and happy friendly valentine. I guess the others who are waiting here are also eager to ask you their questions regarding their lovelife. So bye, bye.”
I also gave her a big smile as she waved goodbye.
February 29, 1999
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