The Fear of Bad Men
& Lesbianism
| O |
ne fine day,
… a student who lost a thousand pesos asked me to help her find it as she was told by some students of mine that I could find lost things and lost persons. I told her that I help those who deserve to be helped, and depending on certain circumstances. Anyway, I asked her, “In your case, do you have a suspect? If you do, kindly tell me his or her first name so it would be easier to find out what happened. Also, tell me your first name and that of your mother’s or your father’s.”
She gave the first name of her suspect and why she suspected the person. I told her to give me around 10 minutes to find out what happened. Meanwhile, I told her she could read or do her assignments while waiting.
After 10 minutes, I told her that her suspicion was right. Indeed, her suspect, who was her classmate in one subject, was the one who stole her money. That young man stole her money primarily because of wrong values and not because of financial necessity. The young man’s parents did not teach their son the right values in life. Instead, the parents taught their son that to have nice expensive things in life is very important, that people respect you, look up to you if you have these things. They reinforced the extreme consumerism, the extreme desire for signature items advertised and glamorized by media.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with wishing to have nice expensive things but one should not be obsessed with these things. Nor should you get respect from people by acquiring these things. If you become obsessed with these things, you reach a point where it will no longer matter how you get these things, whether rightly or wrongly. Further, you should earn the respect of good people by doing good things. Good people should respect you for what you are, what you have inside of you - your ideas, values, character and not for the nice expensive things you possess. You should bear in mind that the most important thing in life is having a good character, acquiring the right ideas, values and principles in life. Everything else is secondary.
This classmate of yours who stole your money comes from the middle class. He stole so he can buy the things he cannot afford. He has become obsessed with having nice expensive things. People of this kind have rough manners. They are mainly after pleasures of the body. They are selfish, unkind, ungentle and unmindful of other people’s feelings.
She then asked, “Can you do something to help me get back the money he stole?”
I said that while we know he stole it, we still could not establish a strong case against him unless there is a witness who actually saw him. Further, his Soul cannot also make him change his bad ideas and values to give you back the money because as he is a very selfish man, his Soul has little influence on him. I am sorry I cannot help you get your money back.”
Looking troubled and sad over the loss of her money and the impossibility of getting it back, she nonetheless thanked me. I thought she was about to say goodbye but then she said she had another problem, a personal problem she also wanted to consult with me if I have time. I said I didn’t have anymore classes and I could stay for 30 more minutes.
She then opened up her personal problem. “Ever since I was a child, as far as I can remember, I was not attracted to the opposite sex, to men. Since grade school up to high school, I studied in an exclusive school for girls. As you are a teacher, I guess you know that in such schools it is quite common to have a sort of girl-to-girl love relationship. I also had this kind of relationship and I took the role of the so-called boyfriend in this girl-to-girl relationship.
I am now a sophomore in our university which is coed. There are some young men courting me but I still feel nothing for them, I still do not feel attracted to men. Can you help me with this problem? What is wrong with me?”
“Many personal problems we have now can be traced to certain wrong experiences we had especially during our childhood years, the formative years. Part of your problem is obviously due to your wrong experience in that exclusive school. However, there might be more than just those wrong experiences. You said that as far as you can remember, you did not feel attracted to men. This could mean that even before those wrong experiences in high school, you already had that tendency, that predisposition to look for love from your own kind. While those wrong experiences in school reinforced your wrong tendency to love your own kind, these experiences were not the cause. There is a deeper cause.
Furthermore, many women I know who also went through such girl-to-girl relationship in such exclusive schools, overcame such wrong tendencies when they reached college, when their male classmates began to court them. Oftentimes, this girl-to-girl relationship is just like between close friends. As you did not overcome it, chances are your problem have deeper roots.
Give me around ten more minutes to find out what I could about your problem. Some personal problems are rooted in other experiences in past lives.”
After around ten minutes of silence, I said, “Indeed, it is rooted in your past life, the life you just had before this life. You loved and married the wrong man. Your husband treated you badly then in spite of your being a good, loving wife. You are not yet ready to know exactly what happened. Such detailed knowledge would only bring you more fear of men and more confusion. That is one important reason why many people do not remember their past lives. They are not yet emotionally, mentally and most importantly, spiritually mature to know such knowledge in their past lives. It is enough for you to know now that generally your husband treated you badly then. After some years, you finally separated from him which was the right thing to do. Thereafter, you developed a fear of, and hatred for men. That is the main reason why in this lifetime you feel no attraction for men. Every strong feeling, strong idea or a developed skill we learned from one lifetime is carried on to the next lifetime. Such is one of the laws of life, of karma, of reincarnation. Nothing is ever lost.
There is another effect of that trauma aside from your having no attraction for men. As it is part of our nature to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to long and to belong, you turned to your own kind in search of and in need of such love, care and belonging. Furthermore, to avoid the possibility of being treated badly by your loved one, you took the role of the superior, dominant male so that you could control the relationship. You took the role of the boyfriend in a girl-to-girl relationship because in such a set up, you thought that your girlfriend cannot treat you badly as you have the upper hand. That is what I can share with you for now.”
She looked at me for a while with eyes full of curiosity, seriousness and doubt. After a few minutes she said, “What you have said sounds logical, it sounds true but of course there is no way for me to know whether what you have said is really true or not. Assuming it is true, what can I do to become normal again, to be attracted to the opposite sex again.”
“Your fear of, your hatred and your dislike of men, arose out of a very wrong, traumatic experience with your husband in your past life. That fear, hatred and dislike of men will always be inside of you until you learn to understand why you made that mistake and find out the lessons you have to learn from such mistake. Thus, to remove the fear, hatred and dislike, you must then analyze what went wrong, why you made the mistake of choosing the wrong kind of man to love and marry. For every experience, whether right or wrong, there is either a wrong or a right analysis, a wrong or a right conclusion and solution. A wrong analysis leads to a wrong conclusion and solution while the right analysis leads to the right conclusion and solution.
In that said past life of yours, you wrongly analyzed and concluded that since your husband treated you badly, most men, are to be feared, hated and disliked. Thus, your wrong solution was to turn to your own kind and to play the superior dominant role in a girl-to-girl love relationship.
Consequently, you became fearful, distrustful of any man, you decided to avoid having a relationship ever again with a man.
The simple truth is that not all men are the same. There are good and bad men, though today it would appear that there are more bad men than good men. One main reason for this of course is that many societies today are exploitative and male-dominated. Many men with much wealth and power are greedy and abusive. As part of their exploitative nature and practices, they look at and treat women as sex objects and as mere bearers of their children. They do not have respect for the woman’s body, feelings and ideas. Nonetheless, there are still many good men. Many of these good men have joined social movements that fight for social causes to make this world truly just and humane. Knowing and believing this simple truth is the first step in the right analysis.
The next thing to do is how to know whether a man is good or bad. Many men while courting women try their best to look good. Many of them will talk good, act good and wear good clothes. Of course it is one thing to look good and another thing to be actually good. While this is a simple idea, many women are still fooled by men’s nice looks, nice talk and nice clothes.
The most important quality of a good man is having a good character and not good clothes or good face and body. Thus, you should focus on knowing the true character of a person. Is it easy to know the true character of a person? Look at my shirt. Is it nice? Is it clean? It is easy to see whether my shirt is nice or clean because it is something solid that the eyes can see immediately. Is character like a shirt that is solid? No, it is not. Thus, you cannot see it immediately. Character can be hidden and bad men oftentimes hide their true nature.
“But that is the big problem. How can you know the true character of a man if he can hide it?” she asked.
“There are many ways of knowing the true character of a man. No matter how well he hides it, his true character will still come out in the way he talks and acts. For instance, observe how he treats his parents, his brothers and sisters especially those younger than he. The good man respects and helps his younger brothers and/or sisters instead of bullying them. A woman friend of mine once told me that she broke off with her boyfriend because of the way her boyfriend treated his kid brother in front of her. She and her boyfriend were watching TV when her boyfriend’s kid brother came and asked if he could watch his favorite cartoon TV show. She said that she did not like how her boyfriend roughly shoved his kid brother away. Right there and then she concluded that if a man could be this rough and unkind to his sibling, then he would not make a good husband nor a good father in the future.
Observe also how he treats the poor, those belonging to a lower social class. The good man treats them with equal respect, with understanding and with sympathy. He does not despise them.
On matters where you have different views or opinions, does he respect and appreciate your different point of view knowing that it is normal for different people to have honest differences of views? Or does he insist on his own point of view because his manliness depends on it and not because he believes in the correctness of his ideas?
Since character can be hidden, it takes time for one to really know the true character of a person. Can you know a person’s true character after a few dates? Of course not. Do not hurry in trusting and loving a person. A single mistake can cut a deep wound in your heart and mind which is very difficult to heal.
A man with a good character is patient, understanding, open-minded, kind and gentle. The good man will respect your body, feelings and ideas. He will not consciously hurt you. His manliness does not depend on forcing his ideas and values on you. Instead, his idea of a real man is someone who has good ideas, good values and good principles in life. These are just some ways of knowing the true character of a man. How to know the true character of a person is part of the lessons you have to learn in life.
So let us summarize our analysis, conclusion and solution: The first thing you should realize is that not all men are bad like your former husband in your last past life. Some men are good while some are bad though it appears there are more bad man than good men today. You chose the wrong man either because of the following - 1) you used the wrong criteria like good looks, intelligence or good financial status; 2) you used the right criteria which is a good character but you were not able to know the true character of the man before you decided to marry. The right solution is to take enough time to find the right man with the good character. Do not hurry. You could start with being friends with many months so you could get to know him well. That right man will remove your fears, hatred and dislike for men. That kind of man will make you happy.
Looking for love from your own kind is against the laws of nature. It creates a conflict , an imbalance between your body which must follow the laws of nature and that of your emotions and mind. It is wrong to have a female body and then develop emotions and a mind like that of a man, to act in a manly manner. To have true peace of mind and true joy in the heart, the body, the emotions and the mind must be balanced, must be aligned. We must live life in accordance with the laws of nature for we are a part of nature. While you may find fellow women with good character to solve your loneliness, love between people of the same sex should be a love between friends and not more than that. Close friends share problems but they do not share bodies.”
“You know I have tried to like some men courting me and yet it does not seem to work,” she said.
“Healing a deep wound in your heart and mind is a difficult, long process. There are no short cuts. The healing process starts with the courage to face the problem, then the sharing of the problem with trustworthy people. Next is finding the right analysis leading to the right conclusion and solution. Doing these things is a great achievement already but it is only half of the long process of healing. The other half, the more difficult half, is practising or applying the solution itself. Practice is oftentimes more difficult than analyzing in changing certain deeply-seated wrong ideas, values or habits. In this case, it involves taking the risk of loving a man again. While there are no guarantees that you will choose the right man, learning from your mistakes greatly reduces the chances of choosing again the wrong man.
If, in spite of being very careful in choosing another man to love, you still made a mistake because some bad men can really be very good at hiding their bad nature, you must immediately correct it by cutting off the relationship. You must immediately defend and protect yourself from a bad person.
When a problem is deeply-rooted like in your case, I also suggest a sort of prayer-meditation to further hasten the healing process. This meditation does not involve the use of magical, sacred words or phrases. It does not also make use of difficult postures. The truth is, as far as the Father Above is concerned, as far as the Spiritual Teachers/Masters Above are concerned, there are no magical, sacred words or difficult postures to do to be able to reach Them. They can know exactly your problems even if you don’t say or do anything. The most important thing for Them is to see that you have the right intention, the right things to ask for. They will not help someone who is just using special magical techniques to ask for special favors. These kind of people are usually just after things and powers for their own selfish goals.
The prayer-meditation I suggest goes like this: first, pay your respects to that ONE who created all, whatever you call Him. I call Him - The Father Above. Then pay your respects to other Higher Spiritual Beings serving Him. If you are a Muslim, you would naturally call on Muhammed; if you are a Buddhist, you would naturally call on Buddha and if you are a Christian, you would naturally call on Jesus and/or Mary and other saints. Then, pay your respects to your spiritual guides who are actually souls who love you and volunteered to help you now because at least in one of your past lives, you were with these souls. In those past lives where you were together, you loved each other either as friends, as husband and wife or as a parent and a child.
Second, ask Their guidance and help in overcoming your trauma. Here you have to be specific. You must say that you have realized why you made the mistake of choosing the wrong man to love and marry, that you know the right conclusion and solution, that you will not make that mistake again, that therefore you can leave the pain and trauma of the past mistake behind and move forward. Formulate this in a few paragraphs. See me again so we can do some fine tuning.
Next, think of someone who also needs help and then ask help from those Above for him/her. This is to remind you that in life, we must love, help and serve others for we are all children of one Beloved Father Above. Further, when you help other people heal their wounds, it helps you also to heal your own wound. Such is one good effect of good karma.
Finally, simply pay your respects and express your thanks again to Those Above whom you called upon to guide you and help you. Say this prayer-meditation once in the morning and once in the evening. Say it until you feel you have been healed already, that you are no longer affected by the trauma. After that, ask guidance and help to overcome other weaknesses and faults you have. Such a practice will help you to continuously improve your character and deepen your right outlook in life.
She still looked curious, serious, and doubtful. I told her I had to leave. She thanked me again for my time. As I stood to leave I said, “Take the time to think over what we have discussed. Some of the things I said are simple like the topics on the importance of good character. Some topics are deep like the laws of karma and reincarnation. On the simple things I said, find out whether a good character is really more important than good looks, high intelligence and good financial status. Ask those who are happily married and those who have suffered from a failed marriage whether what I have said is true or not. In life, when you are in doubt, you should check and recheck the facts, the analysis and the conclusions to resolve your doubts. You should not just set aside your doubts and blindly believe. Close-mindedness, fanaticism is very wrong. The Father Above gave you a mind for your own use. Learn to think by yourself.
As to the deep things I discussed, it is not true that you cannot know these things. You can know these things directly. Anybody can. But you must earn the right to know these things. You earn that right by continuously improving your character, by continuously developing the right outlook in life. Is it easy to develop the right ideas in life? For instance, to have the right ideas about women, how many men seriously find out on a regular basis, the wrong ideas they have about women and the wrong things they do to their girlfriends or wives? How many men try to find out how and where they got such wrong ideas and wrong treatment of women? How many men seriously study the right ideas and the wrong ideas, the right way of treating and the wrong way of treating the women they are supposed to love?
If you continuously increase your wisdom in knowing the right way of looking at life, if you continuously strengthen your resolve, your will to do the rights in life, if you continuously deepen your unselfish love and service for others, then someday, you will reach a point when Someone will come your way and show you how you can actually know these things. Thereafter, you will also get to know many other deep Truths. It has been said that when the student is ready, the Spiritual Teacher/Master will appear. Indeed, it is true. It happened to me sometime in 1994.
I hope you will come back and see me again. Take good care of yourself. Goodluck to your lovelife, to your right kind of lovelife!”
She shyly smiled as I bade her goodbye.
August, 1997
A Note of Clarification:
As discussed in some chapters of this book, we are in this world to take up The Course on The Right Way of Looking at Life or simply stated, How to Be a Good Person. As we take up this Course, we keep on going back into this world until we pass the many subjects of The Course such as how to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend, a good husband/wife, a good friend, a good parent, a good brother/sister, etc. Thus, if we have gone back into this world 20 times, if we have had 20 past lives, at the average of loving 2 special persons (one of which would be our husband/wife) in one lifetime, then, we have loved around 40 different special people. Thus, there is no such thing as the soulmate. The right man/woman to love is anybody with a good character. All other considerations, like relationships in past lives, social status, intelligence, compatibility, etc. should be secondary.
Most people have no knowledge of their past lives. One reason for this is because the ordinary person would be so confused, would not know what to do if he meets somebody who was his wife or husband in another past life, especially so if he/she is already married. That is why before you earn the right to know your past lives, you must reach a certain level of emotional, mental and especially moral/spiritual maturity. At that level of maturity, you have gained the wisdom to know the right way of looking at the many important aspects of life. Such wisdom for example, will show you the right way of looking at people who were once your husband/wife in another past life.
There are two poems here I wish to share. The first is an excerpt from a poem I wrote for a woman I met some years ago. When I checked why I felt a different kind of attraction to her, I found out that she was once my wife in one of my past lives somewhere in
The other poem is meant for a young woman who I also felt special to me because we were happily together in some past lives across many centuries. This poem was about our relationship somewhere in
I am sharing excerpts of the poem I gave to her for two reasons. First, this book is about sex, love and happiness. My poem would show one real example of what the highest form of love is - the spiritual kind of love. At that level, what really matters is how to help the loved one unselfishly, regardless of the kind of relationship involved. A spiritual kind of love does not need physical intimacy, it has no need for physical, sexual expression, it does not need something in return. This highest kind of love can therefore be expressed in different personal relationships. Indeed, the highest expression of love is total unselfish service for someone and for all fellow men. All the Spiritual Teachers of Life have showed this example. The second reason is that this poem gives some background on why I am doing the things I am now committed to do.
Somewhere, Far Back in Time …
(excerpts)
In mid-1994,
… an ordinary-looking man,
a professional engineer,
a Spiritual Teacher of Life,
“opened a few doors” in my heart & mind.
An hour after, he said,
“It is now time for you
to know what you have to know
and do what you have to do.
Good luck!”
… then,
… my mind went back,
and further back in time …
… I began to recall memories of my past lives,
and I saw many scenes,
. . . of people
. . . of places
. . . of events that have become
so much a part of me.
… You were one of those special people,
… I “saw” many things between us,
some funny scenes as well as
some serious moments,
but thru it all,
there was much respect,
trust
and love for each other.
… One time,
you were with me in a farm
somewhere in
at a time,
when some settlers were
beginning to move westward.
… you were brave and strong,
a good cook of pork & beans
and mashed potatoes,
a bit rugged and “hilarious”,
loudly laughing at my jokes
and “funny ways”,
a loving wife and a good mother
of our children.
… there was one clear scene
I like most to remember:
… One evening,
we were sitting at a bench
near the door of our small house,
… feeling the soft cold winds passing thru
… silently listening to the “sounds”
of the “small creatures” of the night
… gazing at the stars,
at the moon
at the clear nightblue skies
… looking at our fields
and at the vast lands beyond it
… it was a beautiful night!
… then,
you looked at me in the eyes and
asked, “Will you still love me
when I get old? How much do you
love me? Are you happy with me?”
… and,
I held your hand,
touched your hard-working fingers
and felt the many years of labor
you have shared with me.
… then,
I looked at you in the eyes
and I said, “I love you very much.
You have been good to me and to
our children. I tried to give you
the best I could, though it is not
much. I am very happy with you.
I will love you even when you have
passed away. That is also a promise.”
… and,
you smiled and placed your head
on my shoulder … and,
I gently caressed your long
flowing hair a few times.
… then,
we silently listened to our hearts
… they began
to beat as one,
… and the night,
became more beautiful . . .
Pi-wi
1994
Even When You Have Passed Away
(Excerpts)
Sometime,
. . . far, far back in time,
in a simple setting,
in the countryside . . .
You were a village woman then,
. . . a bit tall,
beautiful and charming
. . . with innocent quite shy smiles
. . . with a long black flowing hair
. . . mild-tempered, sweet,
but with a strong, decisive character,
. . . you did not have yet then
your “tough ways”
and once-in-while “hot temper”
. . . your family had lands that were
more than enough but not too much
. . . many, many men sought to win your love,
many of them were rich and educated
and they gave expensive gifts,
but you thought that their gifts
came from their pockets,
and not from their hearts.
I was a simple farmer then,
. . . I had just enough lands
to decently raise a family
. . . one day,
“ against all odds”,
I decided to court you,
. . . I would go deep into the forest
to get flowers and give it to you
every time I would visit you
. . . then,
one late afternoon when I visited you,
you asked me,
“What kind of life can you offer to me
if I decide to choose you?”
. . . I said,
“I cannot give you more things that what
you have now. I don’t have much
lands. But, I will promise you this:
I will try my best to be a good
husband to you and a good father
to our children if ever . . . and,
I will love you forever . . .”
. . . and,
you stared at me in the face,
as if trying to measure
the depth and truthfulness
of what I had said,
. . . then,
after a while,
you happily smiled a little,
and I thought I saw
a ray of hope . . .
After some months,
“against all odds”,
you chose me,
I won your love,
and I was very, very happy!
When we married,
. . . I kept my promises
. . . and,
you were a very good wife to me
and a very good mother to our children
. . . though not quite prosperous,
we were one happy family
. . . and,
I continued to give you flowers
coming deep from the forest
and you would hum a song and smile
as you arrange the flowers on a vase . . .
A spiritual sage once said,
“When it became clear that the Master was going
to die, the disciples were depressed. The
Master said, “Don’t you see that death gives
loveliness to life? What is truly alive
must die. Look at the flowers; only plastic
flowers never die.”
When you are about to pass away,
you lovingly touched my face,
sweetly smiled,
and with a courageous calmness,
you said,
“I will never forget you.
You gave me a kind of love
that I will always keep in my heart.
Thank you.
Take good care of our children,
Take good care of yourself.”
A few more moments,
and you were gone . . .
and,
I felt a very, very deep loss,
and a very, very deep pain . . .
and,
I told myself,
“ I will love no other woman
until I too, pass away.
No other woman could ever take
your place in my heart.”
then,
I cried . . .
Even when you have passed away,
I would still go deep into the forest
and bring along our eldest son,
and we would get the flowers
and place it on your grave . . .
And,
when it was my time to leave this world,
I told our eldest son
to continue what I had done,
. . . to go deep into the forest
and get flowers to put
in your grave . . .
…x x x
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