Some Notes on Sex, Love, and Happiness Chapter 1

On Premarital Sex

A student in the university I used to teach in once approached me and asked, “Are you the author of that book Notes on Life & Learning Lessons ?”

I cheerfully smiled and said, “Yes. Did you find something relevant to your life in that book?”

She did not answer my question. I then noticed that she looked sad. She seriously asked, “What do you see in my eyes?”

Though I felt a bit amused by her question, I focused on her troubled look and said, “Namamaga ang magaganda mong mga mata.”

She half-smiled in appreciation of my compliment and then seriously continued, “I did not have any sleep last night. Can you find out why and give me some advice with regard to my problem?”

Ordinarily, I would not have answered such a question that seeks to find out whether I have a power to know other people’s problems. As the well known Spiritual Teachers in history like Gaautama, Jesus, Muhammed and many more others not so known, those who follow and teach the Spiritual Path should use their paranormal powers only to help others and never to prove that they have paranormal powers. Yes, one spiritual/moral value we should develop and show is humility, the opposite of which is to show off, to boast of something. But she really looked confused and it is my duty to help anybody who really has a problem and is seeking my advice. So I told her to give me around 5 minutes to find out her problem and to think over my answers.

After some minutes of silence I told her, “You were with your boyfriend last night. He wanted to have premarital sex. If ever, it would have been your first time. You refused. You said you were not yet ready emotionally and that both of you were not yet ready to face the possible consequences. He then argued that you are too conservative, that nowadays, premarital sex is just an ordinary thing between boyfriends and girlfriends, that premarital sex is one good way of showing one’s love. He said you should be more liberal, more modern. And he assured you that you will not get pregnant. You still refused. Finally, he said that today, if you still refuse what he likes, then it is better to break up. You could not sleep last night because you do not know what do to --- you do not want to lose him but you also do not want to give in to his demand.”

She nodded. She then asked, “What is your advice? What should I do?”

“First, let me tell you that engaging in premarital sex should not be viewed as a matter of being liberal; nor should refusing to engage in it be viewed as being conservative. On important issues of life, we should look beyond beliefs and ideologies. We should look for what is basically right and what is basically wrong. So, the question to ask is, is premarital sex basically right or basically wrong?

There are two things I wish to share with you on this matter. First, important things in life should be carefully studied and planned. Then, according to a plan, we should do important things at the right time so we can avoid big problems and complications.

Choosing a specific skill or knowledge for a livelihood, choosing the man you will love, raising a family, are all important things that we should think over, plan and do at the right time. To watch a movie, to have a picnic, to have lunch or a dinner date, are not that important matters. These are ordinary matters which can be decided upon in a few days time or even at that very day. If you make the mistake of watching a bad movie or of eating at a wrong restaurant, will that complicate your life? On the other hand, if you engage in premarital sex and later found out that you made a mistake in trusting and loving that man, will that complicate your life or not?

The issue then is whether having premarital sex is an important aspect of life or is it just, as your boyfriend would put it, an ordinary thing between boyfriends and girlfriends?”

She was silent. Apparently, she was thinking that as far as she is concerned it is an important matter but to her boyfriend, it is just a simple thing, an ordinary matter. So she thought that the answer depends on the person. I then asked her, “What is the favorite dish of your boyfriend?”

She looked surprised at my seemingly irrelevant question but nonetheless, she said that her boyfriend loves to eat “kare-kare.” I continued to ask, “ What would happen if you feed your boyfriend with kare-kare everyday for one month?”

“Siyempre, magsasawa siya. He might not even want to look at kare-kare after eating it everyday for one month,” she answered.

I then continued, “The way we view life, our manner of understanding things and people, the way we handle situations, depend on our level of maturity, on our level of emotional, mental and spiritual development. A man who has a low level of maturity would view and understand love mainly on the physical, sensual level. He will look at his girlfriend like his favorite dish. Pagkatapos niyang magsawa sa katawan ng girlfriend niya, tulad ng pagkasawa niya sa pagkain ng kare-kare araw-araw sa loob ng isang buwan, chances are, he will leave his girlfriend and look for a new dish. That kind of man lusts only for the bodies of women. That man does not really care about a woman’s heart and mind. He has no respect for a woman’s feelings and views. He does not think much about the future of the relationship.

Your boyfriend said he knows what to do so you will not get pregnant. Among young people, and even among older people, that is easier said than done. But assuming he is really good on this matter, what about the wound in your heart when he leaves you? Will that wound in your heart not complicate your view and understanding of men in particular and of life in general? Many women I have talked to who have felt being used and abused by men have become bitter about life in varying degrees. In general, they have become less loving, less friendly, quite fearful of personal relationships. As a consequence, they have become quite lonely. Their lives have become quite complicated.

Many actors and actresses in the movie world have a low level of maturity. They view and understand love primarily on the physical, sensual level. They merely would like to taste each other. That is why there are so many broken families, unwed mothers and single parents. It is sad that these movie stars and starlets, become the models of their fans. Such wrong models, such bad examples is one reason why many people, young men and to lesser extent also young women, understand love at a shallow level, at the physical, sensual level. You should study the level of maturity of your boyfriend to find out if he is the right man you should trust your body, heart and mind with, . . . if he is the right man you should love.

If there is a big difference between the levels of maturity of two people in a relationship, the only hope for the relationship to survive and prosper in the right way is for the person with a lower level of maturity to listen and learn from the other who has a higher level of maturity. If your boyfriend is open and willing to listen and learn from your mature views, then there is a big chance your relationship will prosper in the right way.

If your boyfriend closes his mind to your views and insists on his selfish ideas and desires, is it right for you to go down to his low level of maturity? If you go down to his level, you will not lose him but is it the right kind of relationship? I believe that one basic ingredient of a right kind of relationship is respect for each other’s views and feelings. Further, by going down to his level, is this the right way for the relationship to develop? The relationship should grow upward with increasing care, respect and concern for each other’s emotional, mental and spiritual development. The relationship should not go downwards becoming more and more simply physical and sensual.

Then, her boyfriend arrived. She became nervous even as she signaled to her boyfriend to wait for a few minutes so she could finish her academic consultation with me. Looking very tense and confused she said, “Sir, what should I really do?”

I calmly looked at her and said, “ My new young friend, I have already answered your question. My last advice for you is, in life, you should learn how to think by yourself. On important issues of life, on delicate situations you should first of all find out what is basically right and what is basically wrong. An immature person would see a wrong as right, would see something really important as not important, as just an ordinary thing. His mind is closed and therefore, he sees only what he wants to see, hears only what he wants to hear. He is very selfish, impatient, thinks more in a bahala na manner. That kind of man is not right for you. Unless that man changes and matures, he will do a lot of harm to you emotionally, mentally, morally and spiritually. He will give you a lot of serious problems.

A man with a high level of maturity, with a high level of emotional, mental, moral and spiritual development, would see a right as right and a wrong as wrong, something important as indeed important. He would respect and appreciate the feelings and views of the woman he loves. He will do things at the right time. This is the right man to love and marry. This kind of man will help you grow emotionally, mentally, morally and spiritually. He will make you happy.

After finding out what is right and what is wrong, you should learn finally to decide by yourself. You are a young woman now. It is not right for anyone to think and decide for you. My duty is only to share with you my view and understanding of life. I am here to share some notes on life and the lessons I have learned.”

Her boyfriend called her again and said they should go. She thanked me, smiled and said, “Though I have read only some portions, I liked your book.”

I smiled back and thanked her for the compliment. As she stood up to leave, I said, “Remember, any mistake in life can always be corrected but it is much better not to make the mistake in the first place. You can avoid so much pain. Good luck! May you make the right decision!”