A Parent’s Offering to God,
A Priest & A Woman In Love
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round 2 years ago,
… I went to a good friend of mine, Vina, who ordered 5 copies of my first book, Notes on Life and Learning Lessons. When I arrived at her office, she introduced me to her relative, Anna, a charming woman probably in her late thirties. Vina told Anna that I am the author of the book she was then reading. We shook hands and politely greeted each other. I asked her what chapters she has already read and which chapter did she find most relevant to her. I also asked her if she has any questions or comments about the chapters she has read.
Instead of answering my questions she asked if she could consult me on a very personal problem. I nodded and said that since I don’t have anything more to do, it is alright for us to have a talk. Vina allowed us to talk in her room. She went out to take her snack.
Anna began her story. “You see, there is this priest Mario, a good old friend, who proposed to me just a few weeks ago. He said he had loved me for many years since we became friends and tried hard to forget his feelings for me. But now, he could no longer control himself. He said further that if I would love him in return, he likes us to have a real relationship. You know what I mean.”
She became silent for a while as if trying to compose herself. Her troubled look showed that she also loves the priest.
I lightly smiled trying to ease her confusion. Then I said, “To love and to be loved, to care and to be taken care of, to long and to belong, is part of our nature. As the Taoists would say, “Is it in each one to seek twoness and in each two, to seek oneness? Can we choose not to love?” And love comes not only to young people, it comes at any point in our lives. I see no problem. In fact, you should be happy and feel lucky that someone with assumably a good character, loves you. Of course, if you answer his love, I expect your suitor, the priest, to leave the priesthood so he could give you and your children the normal happy family life.”
She did not smile back. She looked even more troubled. Then she continued, “That is the problem. I also have feelings for him but he doesn’t want to leave the priesthood even if we would have a real relationship.”
“Why can’t he leave the priesthood if he really loves you?” I immediately asked.
“It is a long story,” she replied. “You see, Mario once had a very serious illness when he was still a child. His parents prayed hard and sought God’s help. They promised God that if he would make Mario recover, they would make him His servant, a priest. Mario recovered and his parents fulfilled their promise to God. That is why Mario cannot leave the priesthood.”
“Mario’s parents made a wrong interpretation of that event,” I said. “If God, the Father, indeed answered the prayers of Mario’s parents, He did not do it because He believed the parents offered a fair deal, a fair exchange. God is not like a businessman . He does not help people in exchange for something that would benefit Him.
Like any good, loving father, He would help anyone of His children who seeks His help and deserves to be helped. He teaches the right ideas and values in life by setting an example for other people to see and to follow. Thus, when He helped Mario, the message was that if somebody comes up to you for help, if the person deserves to be helped, then just like what He did, you should help him/her, within the limits of course of your abilities.
The misinterpretation of that significant event in Mario’s life cost Mario his free will to decide what he really he wanted to be. Just as God, The Father, gave us a free will to make us decide on what we want to do in life, parents should likewise let their children decide for themselves when they grow up. Of course, parents should give advice, share their points of view but they should not decide what their children should be when their children have matured. I just hope that Mario has learned to love his vocation even if it was not his choice in the beginning.”
“I never thought of that kind of interpretation about the offering made by Mario’s parents to God. But what if Mario’s parents refuse to accept your interpretation? What then?” she asked.
“First, Mario himself must be convinced of the interpretation I told you,” I replied. “Only thereafter can he try to convince his parents. There is a more concrete example of how God thinks and works in this particular situation. You can cite the example of Jesus Christ. Being one of the best Sons of the Father, what Jesus did perfectly reflected the teachings and will of the Father.
Jesus healed the sick. He gave back the eyesight of the blind, made the lame walk again. He even brought an already dead Lazarus back to life. Did He ask anything in return? Did He ask any form of payment for his services? He did not. Jesus showed the example that one should not think of making a business out of helping people in need. Like the Father, Jesus showed the example that whoever comes to you for help, help him/her within your ability if he/she deserves to be helped without asking anything in return. I am sure the example of Jesus will be easier to understand.
If Mario’s parents still cannot accept this interpretation and thus cannot allow Mario to leave the priesthood, then Mario, who is now in his late thirties, should decide by himself to do the right thing, which is to leave the priesthood and give you a normal family life.”
“Mario’s parents are already very old and quite sickly. They have weak hearts,” she said. “The arguments will lead to too much tension and something bad might happen to them.”
I kept silent for a while, thinking. Then I said, “Well, that makes the problem quite complicated. These are the ideas, pieces of advice I can share with you for now. First, it is wrong to have a secret real relationship with Mario, with I assume you meant a relationship like that of a real husband and wife. It is being dishonest to people and to yourselves. You would have to lie to people in denying such a relationship. Such dishonesty is fundamentally wrong.
Further, you would be breaking a good law of the state and a right religious belief that two people in love who decide to live together and raise children should get married. Marriage is not just a matter of ritual and a piece of legal paper. What is truly important is the act of swearing, of promising, in front of many people you love and trust, in front of God, in front of the society you live in, “that for better or for worse, in sickness and in health,” both of you commit yourselves to continue to love and help each other. One important way to measure a person’s worth is his ability to keep a solemn promise. Besides, if both of you decide to just live-in , you would set a bad example for others.
Surely, you cannot be happy with that kind of relationship for long. It will badly affect you, psychologically, sooner or later. The problem will become heavier when you will have children with him. Have you ever thought, if ever, how the children will be affected emotionally and mentally with such a secret relationship? Your children’s neighbors, playmates, teachers, classmates would naturally ask them who their father is. Of course, you would have to tell your children a lot lies which they will use to answer such a question. You would do a lot of damage to them psychologically. A mature responsible person thinks also of the future and not only of the present.
Mario should try all he can to convince his parents about the right reasons for him to leave the priesthood and live a happy normal married life with you. He could convince them by saying that having been a priest for many years, he now knows more how God thinks and works. Aside from the interpretation I mentioned, he could also say that God would like His children to be happy. As all His children are different, some are happy being celibate priests while others are happy outside the priesthood and have a family. If his parents still refuse to accept his arguments, he should seek help from his religious superiors. If indeed Mario loves you that much, he should fight for his love for you in asking understanding and dispensation from his religious superiors. Then, after convincing his religious superiors of his deep, sincere love for you, he should ask help from them in convincing his parents of the correctness of the reasons why he should leave the priesthood. There is a much bigger chance that his parents will accept the words of a higher official of the Church.
If everything else fails, if all the efforts of Mario to convince his parents fail, please see me again. Tell Mario not to pressure you to have the relationship right away nor to set aside his parents’ refusal just like that. Tell him to respect his parent’s decision temporarily but eventually request them to pray again to God on what to do with his request. Perhaps God might show a sign to his parents on the right thing to do. This is a delicate problem. A wrong move could seriously ruin a life or a few lives. Let us study carefully again the developments of the problem before making any other important decisions.”
We were quiet for a few minutes. She was pondering on the ideas I gave. Then, Vina arrived from taking her snack and asked if we were through talking. I looked at Anna for the answer. Anna nodded and said, “Yes, we are through for now. I will come back for another consultation if I still need it. She stood up and expressed her thanks, then asked, “Can I give you something in return for the consultation?”
I warmly smiled and replied, “My new friend, remember the example given by The Father in this case. I do not know you when you came to me for advice regarding a delicate personal problem. Nonetheless, I listened to your problem and shared a few advice. If somebody, whether you know him/her or not, comes up to you and seeks your advice on a personal problem, take also the time to talk to him/her. Then try to give him/her the best advice you could give. As I have set an example for you, follow the example . Of course, I would also appreciate it very much if you could buy me a cup of coffee.”
She warmly smiled back and said, “Wait here. I’ll get you a cup of coffee. I will also tell you which chapters of your book I found relevant to my life.”
October 1996
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