A Notes-on-Life Session On
Premarital Sex and On Live-ins
| O |
ne late afternoon,
… I was having what I call, notes-on-life session with a group of college students, 5 young women and 2 young men. The general topic was about sex and love. I asked them what 2 specific topics or issues about sex and love do they want to talk about. They said they wanted to discuss premarital sex and live-ins. I felt surprised that 5 young women could be so frank to say they wanted to discuss such delicate matters. I told myself that indeed, times have changed so much. During my generation, 25 years ago, young women do not openly ask these issues from a teacher. Further, 25 years ago, the great majority of Filipinos believed that premarital sex and live-ins were outrightly wrong. Nowadays, it appears that these practices have become acceptable - that to many people, such practices were no longer wrong.
I told them that the two topics they chose were relevant and quite urgent for us to discuss. To begin, I said, “On every issue of life, there is always a right way and a wrong way of looking at it. It is always a matter of right and wrong. So, could each first share his/her view of whether premarital sex is right or wrong.”
A female student, Karen, was the first to answer. She giggled and said, “Well, I think there is nothing wrong with premarital sex as long as there is love. We should have sex only with the person we love. Having sex for the sake of sex, I mean having sex only to satisfy one’s sexual urges is wrong. You, sir, what do you think of premarital sex? Is it right or wrong?”
“It is better that I share my views after each of you have shared your views. In that manner, I will not right away influence your thinking and at the same time, we get to know what each of us believes with regard to these important issues. So, kindly continue sharing your views.”
Another female student then said, “I agree with what Karen said. Sex should be used to express one’s love. What Karen meant as having sex without love is what many religious people, I mean, serious Christians, call lust which is wrong. I would like to add another important thing before having premarital sex can be right. I believe it is necessary that the two persons in love should be ready to face the consequences of what may possibly happen. I guess all of you already know what I mean. Well, if the woman gets pregnant, the man must be ready to marry her. If the man is not yet ready for such a responsibility, I think they should refrain from having premarital sex. Siyempre, kawawa naman ang babae kung mabuntis siya at hindi paninindigan ng lalaki.” The other young women nodded. All of them, strongly agreed that if men want to have sex with their girlfriends, they should not run from their responsibility if their girlfriend gets pregnant.
A male student then spoke, “I, too, definitely agree with the points raised. I believe that a man who leaves behind his pregnant girlfriend is a coward and a user. I think that kind of man does not really love his girlfriend because in the first place if you really love your girlfriend, you will stick with her thru thick and thin. You will not want to see her suffer physically, emotionally and mentally. Anyway, given this point, I believe we should have sex only at the right time. I mean, we should have premarital sex only when we are financially ready so there will be no problem if the woman gets pregnant.”
Another important point many of them expressed is that although they believe in the points that were raised, they also expressed their fears that it is quite hard to control oneself, that is quite hard to avoid premarital sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend until you are ready for it psychologically and financially. As one female student puts it, “Mahirap magsalita nang tapos pero sisikapin kong hindi mag-premarital sex hanggang hindi nga ako handa sa mga maaaring mangyari pagkatapos.”
Then it was time for me to share my views, I said, “One fundamental law of the universe is the law of continuous development. Every little thing develops. If you look at evolution, you see the general development process from non-living matter to living matter. Then, from a single-celled organism, living things continuously developed into plants, animals and finally into man. Plants have life but no emotions. Animals have emotions but little mental capacity. Man has a developed emotion and a developed mind. A thing behaves depending on what level it is in the evolution process. I mean, a plant naturally behaves differently from the animals. Lower forms of animals naturally behave differently from the higher forms of animals. Reptiles naturally behave differently from monkeys and gorillas.
Man stands higher than all kinds of animals. Aside from having a much higher mental abilities and a deeper kind of feelings or emotions, man has free will. He is free to choose his behavior unlike the animals. Thus, man can behave like an animal or like a true man that he/she is.
Man should not behave like animals. Animals have sex for the sake of sex simply because they have no capacity to love, and more so, they do not have the mental ability to know the right way of looking at sex and the right use of sex. They simply act according to their instincts, no more, no less. Man is above the animal. He should therefore not act simply according to instincts. Instincts, like any other aspect of ourselves, can be used in a right way or in a wrong way. Hunger as an instinct, tells us to eat regularly so our body can have the necessary nutrients to survive and more so, to be healthy. But if we do not control this instinct of hunger, if we eat too much and eat the wrong kind of food, we will get physically sick. If we also disregard this instinct and not eat at the right time and/or eat less food than necessary, we will also get physically sick.
Man should control his instincts, so that he can use these instincts in a right way. If we do not control our sexual instincts, we cannot use them in the right way and consequently, we will get emotionally and mentally sick.
Our goal then is to behave like human beings. With regard to sex, behaving like a human being means that we have sex only when there is love. That is one right way of using sex, sex as an expression of one’s love. All of you are right on this point.
We should move forward, becoming more and more fully human. We achieve this by having more and more control over our physical instincts, emotional needs and mental abilities. The amount of control we have is one important way of determining our level of emotional, mental and moral/spiritual maturity.
Our level of maturity, especially moral/spiritual maturity, determines the quality of our relationships with other people. A person with a low level of maturity, a person controlled mainly by his instincts, will have a shallow relationship with other people. His concept of love is mainly on the physical, sensual level. Love to him/her is mainly sexual satisfaction, no more, no less. A person with a high level of moral/spiritual maturity, a person whose behavior is controlled by his mind filled with right, noble ideas and good values, will have deep, meaningful relationships with other people. His concept of love is not limited to sex. He shows his love in many other ways like occasionally giving the loved one’s favorite food, fruits, music, dress, watching with her the kind of movies she likes, helping her in her problems, writing letters of concern, of appreciation, of love, sharing ideas about life, sharing fears, anxieties, hopes and dreams, etc.
As we have more control over our body, emotions and mind, we can then use them in a right, unselfish way. The mature loving person is unselfish, he is concerned primarily with the well-being and happiness of the loved one. He faces the consequences of his actions and assumes the responsibility for it. He respects the loved one’s body, feelings and ideas. He moves in gentle, caring and caressing ways including in the sexual act. The immature lustful person is selfish, he is concerned primarily with satisfying his own sexual urges. He is fearful of facing the consequences of his actions and abandons his responsibility for his actions. He has no respect for the other person’s body, feelings and ideas. He forces his selfish desires on the other person, behaving in an aggressive, hurting manner including in the sexual act. Thus, you are also right that the person who abandons a pregnant girlfriend does not really love his girlfriend but only feels lust and is very selfish and irresponsible.
We should not move backwards, becoming more and more selfish, behaving more and more like an animal. Nowadays, you read in the papers more and more of the following: rapes, including rapes of minors, incest, senseless killings, corruption, destruction of the environment, child and adult prostitution, exploitation, oppression, etc. Indeed, it appears that while man is continuously progressing with his mental abilities like the rapid development of the computers, man’s morals is continuously retrogressing. Mentally, man is moving forward, but morally which is the most important aspect, he is moving backwards. More and more men today are behaving more and more like an animal even as there are still many principled men fighting for noble causes. Of course, there are social reasons for this deteriorating social situation which we should discuss some other time. Anyway, we should strive hard to change this situation. We should be part of the solution and not be part of the problem.
As life continuously moves forward, it moves forward by stages. The story of evolution, a story of the continuous upward development of living things like in a ladder, shows the general stages of the development of living things. Man’s life also necessarily develops in stages. Thus, after being born, we pass through the following stages: infancy childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle age, old age and then death.
In every stage there are things that we are ready for and things we are not. Infants cannot feed themselves, they have little control over their physical bodies. Thus, they are not ready to prepare and get food, they are not ready to be given toys that can hurt them, they are not generally ready to be left alone. Children, while they have control over their physical bodies, they have little control yet of their emotions and minds. Thus, they are very playful and cannot as yet concentrate for long hours on the studies. You cannot give children matches to play with because they are not yet mature emotionally and mentally. Thus they might play with the matches and not be aware of the consequences. They might hurt themselves and others as well.
Premarital sex is a serious thing. It is not like a game you can just play, finish and then forget. As we have said, it involves love and love among many other important things, involves commitment, loyalty, patience, understanding, sacrifice, etc. A higher kind of love then can only be expressed by an emotionally, mentally and morally/spiritually mature person. When you use sex to express your love, it might possibly lead to pregnancy. Thus, having sex should also involve the financial readiness to raise a child. Sex therefore, should only be done at the right time, which is when the persons involved are emotionally, mentally, morally and financially ready.
If you follow the development of the stages of life, when you do things at the right time, when you do things that you are ready for, you avoid troubles and complications. You increase your chances of living a happy life. When you do things that you are not yet ready for, you get a lot of problems. You complicate your life and consequently, you suffer.
Generally, as a young adult, we study to learn a certain knowledge and skill. Thereafter, we start to work and begin a career. As our career develops and we mature psychologically, we begin to seriously look for the right woman/man to marry. After finding her/him, we get married and then plan the right time to have children. And so on and on. Following these general stages, we should have sex upon marriage and not before. In that way, we avoid unnecessary problems and complications. Remember, while you should strive hard to do the things you are ready for, strive hard also not to do the things you are not yet ready for. In this way, you will have balance and harmony in your life. Indeed, we should follow and flow with the laws of life and of nature.
As regards to finding it hard to avoid premarital sex, consider such difficulty as normal for the fact is that the sexual instinct is the strongest instinct along with hunger for it serves the most fundamental law of life - the law of the survival and propagation of the species. Nature made sex the strongest instinct next to hunger so the species will live on. So, consider it as normal and natural to have strong sexual drives but remember, as human beings, it is your duty to control such instincts so you could use them in the right way. If I may add something a bit more profound, when you use sex to express your love, when you infuse sex with love, you purify and elevate the sexual impulses. Sex then, becomes not just a satisfying physical act, but more importantly, also a happy, beautiful emotional and mental experience.”
One student then said that since we have limited time, she suggested that we skip the open forum portion and proceed in the discussion of our second topic on live-ins. Everybody agreed. So I asked them whether they think live-ins are right or wrong.
The female students who were against it said that it is wrong because the women are at the losing side if the live-in arrangement does not lead to marriage, especially so if they have children. Many other men will look low at such women, seeing them like used clothes with much less value than brand new clothes. Few men will seriously consider having a relationship with women who have experienced live-ins. The men are not similarly affected. In fact, it adds to the manliness, machismo of such men that they have had many sexual experiences. Further, the illegitimate children are likewise psychologically affected in a big, wrong way.
A few argued on the advantages of live-ins. Their main argument is that many men today try hard to show, especially during the courtship stage, that they are good when in fact they are not. As one student said, “Marami sa kanila mukhang mabait, pero knuwari lang pala, nagbabait-baitan lang pala. Kapag nagtagal at nakuha na nila ang gusto nila, lumalabas na ang tunay na masamang ugali.” Thus, they argued that when you engage in a live-in relationship, you really get to know the real character of the man. If it turns out that the man really has a bad character, the woman can just call it quits and leave the man. When the woman is already married to a bad husband, it is so hard legally to separate. Further, parents and other well-meaning relatives and friends intervene to save the marriage. The live-in arrangement will avoid such complications.
We only had some more minutes left. They asked me to share my views on the limited time left. I said, “This live-in arrangement is a very important issue. I advise all of you, those who think it is right as well as those who think it is wrong, to study the matter more carefully. A single mistake can cause so much harm psychologically, it will cut a deep wound in your heart and mind. On important issues of life, you should find the time to carefully study the issue. You should seek the views and opinions of others, especially those who are morally/spiritually mature, those who actually live good lives and not those who speak well only.
Spending much time and effort to really know the true character of the person you will marry is the right thing to do. This becomes more necessary today when more and more men are fooling women. Such men see women merely as sex objects. However, I believe the live-in arrangement is a wrong way of finding out the true character of a person. You should not have sex if you are not convinced that the other person is someone you really love and have decided to live with hopefully for the rest of your life. Sex is not like shaking hands with somebody. Shaking hands is a simple, casual act with little psychological effect. Having sex is a very intimate thing and consequently, it has a tremendous psychological effect. You should treat sex with more seriousness, with more respect. You should develop more respect for your body, emotions and mind.
Even if you carefully study the character of a person before marrying him, you can still make a mistake. Some major weaknesses do not come out until a crisis comes and/or when the circumstances for the weaknesses to come out are not there. A previously good husband can change and become bad because of bad influences from friends. Anyway, in such a situation, the right thing to do is talk to your husband and point out his serious bad traits. If he doesn’t change, then firmly decide to separate so you could have peace of mind. Then, you can have a new beginning. Marriage is different from the live-in arrangement in that there is a solemn promise to try one’s best to be together “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, till death do us part.” Sex is treated with respect it deserves in the context of marriage. I once read a short old American Indian marriage blessing which I found simple but very meaningful. It shows the solemnity of marriage. I liked it so much I memorized it. It goes this way:
Now, you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be
shelter for the other.
Now, you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be
warmth for the other.
Now, there is no loneliness.
Now, you are two persons
but there is only one life
before you.
Go now to your dwelling
to enter into the days
of your life together.
And may your days be good
and long upon the earth.
In the live-in arrangement, there is much less commitment, much less solemnity, there is much less respect for each other’s bodies, feelings and emotions. And while it is true that it is easy to call it quits if the live-in arrangement does not work out well, the truth is that it leaves a very deep wound in the woman’s heart and adds much confusion to her mind. Many of them will feel bitter about life in general and fearful of another relationship in particular, after a failed live-in arrangement.
If you want to know the real character of a person, try to find out his general ideas and values on the many important aspects of life. See how he treats his parents, brothers, sisters, friends, take note of the way he reacts if you have different feelings and /or ideas over something, see how serious he is or not over his work, find out the way he handles problems, etc. A generally good person is a good son, a good friend, a good brother, a good neighbor, works hard, does not run away from a problem but faces the problem. This is the right way of finding out the true character of a person.
One last point. The man who looks low at women who have had experiences has a low level of moral/spiritual maturity. He sees the value of women mainly in terms of their bodies, of how used up or not are the bodies. The true worth of women and of men as well, is in their character which is largely determined by their ideas, values and experiences in life. A person with a low level of moral/spiritual maturity is selfish. You can not be happy with selfish persons. Avoid becoming close to such persons.”
Someone said that our time was over and that we had to leave. We then talked about our next notes-on-life session. As we were about to part, I told them “ Continue to take down notes on life. Continue to find out the lessons you have to learn from your experiences and from other people’s experiences. Remember, every little bit of wisdom that you pick up along the road of life will help you a lot to find The Path that leads to real and lasting happiness. Goodbye! Take good care of yourselves!”
They then bade me goodbye as each of them left.
July 1997
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