A Wrong Analysis of a Bad Experience:
The Root of an Evil Life
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n old mother once came to me and sought my views on a serious personal problem. The problem concerned her eldest daughter Maria who had become dangerously evil.
She said, “I am now 70 years old. I have 4 children. Three of them, starting from the youngest are doing good and are basically good responsible children. My eldest child, Maria, who is now a woman in her early fifties, is my big problem. She has done so many wrong things in life. She is right now trying to break up the good family life of my other daughter Julia who has done nothing wrong to her. Can you help me find out why my Maria is like that? Can you also help me change her evil thoughts and ways?”
“Thank you for trusting me with such a delicate personal problem. Can you please share more about the many wrong things Maria has done?” I asked.
“Being the first child, my husband and I loved her very much. We gave her the best clothes we could afford, the best shoes, the best food and the best education. She is very intelligent and a good orator. She speaks fluently and convincingly. When she got married, we gave her a big wedding feast in our town. Because the man she married was still studying, we even supported them for some years. She had 4 children. Then, the first serious wrong thing she did was leaving her husband and children. She left her family for another man. My husband was very furious. My husband disowned her and she could not come back to the house. We took care of her children, our grandchildren.
After around 3 years, I told my husband to forgive her. My husband forgave her primarily because of my intercession. Then, she did it again. She then left the other man and went again with another. She did this over and over again. Perhaps she has had around 8 men in her life. I cannot understand why she has behaved like this. My husband was a straight person. He did not gamble nor have other women. He was a very good model to our children. He was a good provider and taught our children to have good principles in life. My husband died five years ago.”
These men in her life, what happened to their relationships with your eldest daughter?” I asked.
“Many of their relationships lasted a few years. Though it is shameful to say this, in many cases, she benefited financially from the relationships. In spite of the many wrong things she did, I always helped her when she needed it. I even covered up to my husband many of the wrong things she did. Still, she continues to fool and hurt people. As I said, she is now trying to destroy the good family life of my other daughter.”
“Clearly, she has a bad, destructive kind of character which you cannot trace to the way you and your husband brought her up. It is right that we give children the things we can afford to show our love for them. However, it is equally important that we give them guidance, that we teach to them the right ideas, the right values in life. If we give guidance, the person spiritually matures and he/she will see the rightness of as well as the joy of giving love. He/she would then grow up to be a mature loving person. Giving love without guidance would tend to spoil the loved one and so, he/she will not spiritually mature. The person would tend to think only of receiving things from people. Thus, they tend to look at the value of people in terms of what they can get from them. Spoiling a person would make him/her grow into an immature selfish person.
Your husband as you said gave guidance, that he taught your children good values and principles. That is the reason why your other children are doing good now. However, it appears that what your husband taught did not decisively affect the character of your eldest daughter Maria. Part of the reason I see is because you covered up the wrong things she did. The effect of covering up these wrong things is that she thought and believed it is alright to do wrong things as long as you can get away with it. A wrong action should not be covered up. Anything that is wrong must be corrected so that it will stop. Covering up a mistake cannot correct the mistake. The mistake will still be there, it will go on and will be repeated. To correct a wrong thing, it must be opened up, discussed thoroughly and resolved to be stopped and not to be repeated.
When you asked your husband to forgive her, did she ask forgiveness in the first place? Further, if she did ask forgiveness, did it come from the heart or just from the mouth? To ask forgiveness coming from the heart means that one has seen the gravity of one’s mistake and vows not to do it again. It appears that she was not really sorry for the mistakes she did that is why she did it over and over again. It is wrong to tell someone you have forgiven him/her when the person has not sincerely asked forgiveness. Failing to see and understand his/her evil thoughts and ways, he/she would not change.
I know that as a mother, you have these naturally strong protective and affectionate feelings for your children. You merely wanted your Maria to come back to the house and make your family whole again. But you should have controlled your emotions for emotions are blind, emotions cannot see what is right and what is wrong. The mind must control the emotions so it can use the emotions in a right way. If you had used your mind, you would have seen that covering up the mistakes was not the right way of showing your love for Maria. The right expression of love was to make Maria see and realize that it is very wrong to destroy other people’s lives. The right kind of love helps a person to improve his/her character, it helps him/her to change what is wrong and bad in his/her character.
Though you were physically together again, as long as the wrong ideas, the wrong values are still inside Maria’s heart and mind, your being together was hollow. Being together essentially means sharing the same right ideas, the same right values, the same right principles. Only then can there be real closeness, real affection for each other. People who do not share the same right ideas and right feelings can be physically together but their hearts and minds are far from each other.
Many married couples are like that. They live together physically but because the man has many vices like drinking and womanizing, there is a coldness, an indifference which creates a great distance between them emotionally and mentally. In such cases, as poets would put it, the house is no longer a home.
However, there appears to be deeper reason for your Maria’s wrong behavior. Normally, as you and your husband have been good parents, no one among your children should be confused and bad. Let me see other possible deeper reasons. Just tell me your real first name and the real first name of Maria in her birth certificate. Kindly wait for 10-15 minutes.”
Thereafter, I told her that indeed, the roots of Maria’s problem has very, very deep roots. It goes back to one lifetime she had sometime in the Middle Ages, somewhere in
Lonely, bitter and very angry, she then thought that most men, if not all, are evil. Men give false promises, men tell lies just to get what they really want from women - their bodies. After some time, men leave the women they have tasted for some time. They have lost their appetite for an old dish and would look for a new dish, a new woman. These kind of men see women as sex objects, or like some kind of delicious food. She then concluded the following:
1) In this world, there are only two kinds of people - those who fool and those who get fooled. She vowed never to be fooled again. Instead, she will fool people, especially men.
2) As part of getting revenge against men, she vowed to fool men by using what men want, sex. She used sex to get a man’s money and to destroy his life in the same manner as men used sex to destroy her life.
3) She became obsessed with money because she thought and believed then that the young son of the feudal lord who fooled her did not take her seriously because she was just a simple village woman. She concluded that if a person has lots of money, people would give him/her lots of respect and would take him/her seriously. From that time on, across other lifetimes, she behaved that way. Obsessed with getting money in whatever way, she took whatever money she could from the men she used.
Revenge and lust can only give a temporary, low, bad kind of personal satisfaction. Revenge and lust cannot give real, long lasting love and happiness. Unable to love and be loved, unable to feel being really happy, people of this kind do not like to see happy people; they are jealous of happy families where the members love each other. This is the reason why she is jealous of Julia and why she is trying to destroy the happy family life of her sister.
Every time a person makes the same serious mistake, it reinforces, it worsens the wrong aspects of the person’s character. Thus, she has become more revengeful, more destructive that before. Consequently, the harder it is to change her.
In her past lifetime, Those from Above intentionally chose your husband to be her father so your husband could make the right important changes in her character. Your husband did his job well so to speak but still he failed to correct Maria’ wrong ideas and values partly because he compromised his principles when you asked him to forgive Maria. The great part of the mistake comes from your wrong handling of Maria’s serious mistakes.
“You mainly blame me for what happened to my daughter Maria. I just did what I thought was right as a mother. I am old. I can accept my mistakes. The most important thing for me now is to know what can be done to change her, to change her evil ways,” the mother responded.
“In any experience, in any problem, there is always a right and a wrong analysis. If you make the wrong analysis, you get the wrong lessons from the experience. The wrong lessons would worsen the wounds. A wrong analysis of a bad experience would lead you to a wrong direction in life which will be full of troubles and frustrations. As the troubles and frustrations get worse, it can lead to an evil life.
If you make the right analysis, you will learn the right lessons. The right lessons would heal the wounds. A right analysis of a bad experience would make you see the right direction you should travel thru life. As you travel more in the right direction, you will have less and less troubles and frustrations. With less and less problems, you will have a happier life.
Thus, she must be able to see the right analysis of her wrong experience. Some aspects of the right analysis are the following:
1) After experiencing being fooled, after knowing the pain, the suffering of being a victim of someone’s evil thoughts and actions, one should then realize that fooling people is such a very evil thing and that therefore one should not fool people. Further, one should help in stopping good people from being fooled by bad people.
2) There are bad men and there are good men. Many women would further say that to be more exact, there are many bad men and few good men. Women then should not fear and hate all men but only the bad men. The goal then is to study how to know the bad men from the good men. To achieve this, women should be very careful in choosing the men they will love. Women should take the time to know the true character, the true intentions of a suitor. A mistake will cause a deep wound in the heart and in the mind triggering bitterness, hatred and confusion.
3) A man who sincerely loves a woman will have sex with her only after marriage. A good responsible man does things at the right time to avoid unnecessary problems. Children born out of wedlock suffer psychologically. Even if they don’t get pregnant, women also suffer psychologically if, out of wedlock, the man they trusted their bodies with leave them with no right, valid reason. Such women will feel having been used and abused.
4) One should not respect a man because he has lots of money or because he has a high social position. A man should be respected only if he has a good character, only if the man has the right ideas and values in life. Should one respect a wealthy high ranking government official who is corrupt and who plays with women?
Someone Maria respects much should talk to her and help her see the right analysis. Being the mother, it is your responsibility to try to tell her these things. If there is any other person she would listen to, then seek help from that person. Share with that person the right analysis. The more people who would tell her these things, the better.”
The sad mother then said, “She doesn’t seem to take me seriously but I will try my best. I have to. I will try to talk to her uncle who she looks up to. Her uncle might be more effective than I am. I have taken so much of your time. I will leave now. I would like to see you again.”
“Remember, she has carried those wrong ideas across a few lifetimes. Thus, it is very, very deeply-rooted. Further, such wrong ideas have been reinforced in her present life. It has become so much part of her. At any rate, the important thing is for her to know the right analysis. She may or may not believe the right way of looking at her problem. If she believes it, then the healing begins and everybody is happy. If she does not believes it, which is the more likely thing to happen, just feel good with the thought that you have planted the seeds of the right ideas. With that you have done your duty as a mother. It is up to her to let the good seeds you have planted live and grow or to let it wither and die.
Your Maria has a mind of her own. What she did was mainly her responsibility. You played a minor role. In general, you have been a good mother and a good wife. You should be proud of yourself. I am sure your other three children are proud of you. In the twilight of your life, find comfort, joy and peace in knowing that you tried your best to be a good wife and a good mother.
It is never a burden to help people. It is a duty and a happiness to help others. Please see me anytime when you are free and when I am also free. Good luck to your attempts to change your eldest daughter! Take good care of yourself.”
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