On “An Affair” Between
A Single Young Woman and A Married Man
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graduating student in a state university once consulted me with a very personal problem. I was actually referred to her by a former student of mine I was privileged to have helped before. After some minutes of getting to know each other, I asked, “How can I help you?”
She asked if we could take a little walk in the campus and find a place where we could talk more in private. I then assumed that her problem was quite serious. After some minutes of walk, we sat down and she began to share her problem.
She said, “ I have a boyfriend, Sir, who is married. You know what I mean. Our relationship has been going on for a few years. I am deeply involved with him. I guess you already know what that means. We do what many boyfriends and girlfriends do nowadays. We have had sex many times. Around 6 months ago, he began to be more strict with me. He does not like me to wear short skirts, tight pants and shorts. He does not like me to wear bathing suit when I go swimming with my school friends. A few weeks ago, we quarreled about his being too strict and jealous with my school friends. Just a week ago, I broke up with him.
Now, I feel so sad and confused. I want him back. What should I do so I could have him back? Malou, your former student who referred me to you told me you can know what other people are thinking. Can you find out now what he, my former boyfriend, is thinking about me? Does he also want me back?”
I looked at her sad troubled eyes and said, “Helping a person does not always mean giving a person what he needs or what he wants. To help a person correctly, one must find out first whether what the person needs or wants would help him/her to grow emotionally, mentally and morally/spiritually. If I tell you that your former boyfriend also wants you to come back to him, it might solve your immediate problem of loneliness but is it the right solution? Will it help you grow in the right direction, or will it only further harm your character, and thus, further confuse and damage your knowledge of right and wrong?
In life, especially on important issues, one must first of all, find out what is right and what is wrong. With regard to your problem, you must find out whether having a relationship with him is right or wrong. If the relationship is right, then I would share with you all that I know that would help you win him back and deepen your relationship with him. If the relationship is wrong, it is my duty to tell you what is wrong with it and encourage you to try your best to stop this kind of relationship. So, the first thing we have to discuss is whether your relationship with him is right or wrong.”
“I love him. He has been good to me. He buys me many things … chocolates, flowers, clothes, things I need in school like nice pens, folders, etc. He sends me cards on special occasions. He treats me out in nice restaurants. So, I believe he loves me. I know that he is married and he has children, but … it is common nowadays for married men to have affairs, to love other women. While legally our relationship is not right, the more important thing for me is that we love each other. Is that not the more important thing?” she asked.
“You argue well. Indeed, you are intelligent that is why you have the privilege of being enrolled in this prestigious state university. However, intelligence, just like many other things in this world, can be used in a right way or in a wrong way. To use intelligence in the right way, you must first try your best to be objective, to set aside personal interests. You must first control your feelings, take hold of your emotion. You must try to see things as they are and not as you want to see them. Your arguments are already designed to justify your relationship. You used your intelligence beforehand to rationalize a certain relationship you want to keep. You did not consider the point whether the relationship should really be kept in the first place.
In trying to see things as they are and not as you want to see them, have you ever honestly thought about the welfare of your former boyfriend’s family? Have you ever considered what his wife would feel if she knew her husband is fooling her? Have you ever considered what his children would feel? Have you thought of the great confusion it would make in the children if they found out that their father, who they are supposed to look up to, is dishonest and disloyal? And what kind of future can you expect from such a relationship?
Further, what is essentially right or wrong has nothing to do with how many people are doing it; it has nothing to do with being common nowadays. If more people are becoming more selfish nowadays, it does not mean that being selfish is now the right thing to do.”
“But he loves me, he cares for me. He gives me many things. He is good to me. I feel happy with him except of course when he became unreasonably strict and jealous,” she quickly retorted.
“I don’t know your former boyfriend, I don’t know his character. I don’t know if he is giving you many nice things simply in exchange for your body or whether he really feels something deep and special for you. If he is simply interested in your body, obviously you should stop seeing him. He would only further harm you physically, emotionally, mentally and morally.
If he feels something deep for you, if he really feels something special for you, if he truly loves you, there is also a right way and a wrong way of loving someone depending on the specific circumstances. There is a right expression and a wrong expression of the right kind of love. As he is already married and has responsibilities to his family, he should love you only in his heart and mind. He should still see you and help you with your problems in life and share the important things he has learned in life. He should give you advice when you need it. But, he should not use your body. Your body should be for someone who is free to love you and marry you.
Frankly, I believe his feelings for you is shallow, that he is mainly after your face and your body. I think so because of the way he has been strict about the clothes you wear and being jealous about your friends in school. He does not trust you. If you truly love a person, you take the time to know his/her character. Love deepens what might have started as a simple physical attraction between two bodies into a relationship between two hearts, two minds, and ultimately, between two Souls. In the deepening of the relationship, the trust for each other grows and develops. Indeed, love begets trust. Your relationship with him has been going on for a few years now. Yet, he still doesn’t trust you. He does not know your character because he is not interested in your character. He is mainly interested in your body, in the pleasures you give him. Your love affair also feeds his ego, it inflates his sense of machismo.
I believe he is mainly interested in you as a thing he should continue to possess. He thinks and feels that he owns you after giving many things to you. Thus, he is extremely possessive of you. Of course, you are not a thing, you are not an object of pleasure. You are a human being, a blooming young woman, a wonderful person with hopes and dreams. Aside from the wish to have a promising career after graduating, you also wish of course to eventually have a happy family. Can a man, like your former boyfriend, who is selfish, who looks at you as a thing he owns, who has responsibilities to his family, give you deep and lasting happiness? Can he give you a bright future?
You said that you feel happy with him until he became too strict and jealous. Remember, there are things in this world that give only a shallow, temporary happiness like eating good food, wearing nice clothes and having a good sex. On the other hand, there are things that give a deep, lasting happiness, things that give joy to the heart and peace of mind. These are the things that enrich the Soul, things that do not merely satisfy what the body wants. One of these things is having and developing a deep trust, respect, concern, care, and affection for someone. Another would be having good, trustworthy friends you could depend on when life gets rough.
Of course we should also enjoy life but it must be done in a clean, balanced and right way. There is nothing wrong with eating good food but we must eat the right kind of food. There is nothing wrong with having a good sex but we must have the right kind of good sex which means the kind of sex which is the right expression of the right kind of love.
Further, if he really loves you, he should be happy with the thought that like many other young girls your age, you have good friends who you could go out with. He should be happy that you are living a normal life. A person who really loves you should be happy to know that you are doing things that help you grow emotionally, mentally and morally/spiritually.
There was silence for some minutes between us. I purposely stopped talking, trying to find out how she felt about what I had said. Then she looked at me, her face still full of loneliness and confusion. But now, I saw and felt a certain openness for advice on how to fix her life. Then she said, “If what you say is true, what am I supposed to do now? I feel more confused than ever. Somehow, I feel that I have done something terribly wrong with my life but at the same time, I still have strong feelings for him.”
“It is not easy to correct a seriously wrong idea and practice. After acknowledging your mistake, find out more about your weakness that led to your wrong doing. Your weakness could be that you let your emotions rule over your mind. Remember, it is the mind that determines what is right and what is wrong, and that emotions should follow what the mind has objectively analyzed as right. It is also possible that in the very first place, you already thought that there is nothing wrong with having a relationship with a married man as long as you feel in love. Find out what exactly is your weakness and study it. Then, trace its roots. Where did you acquire such wrong ideas or the wrong use of emotions which overrules the mind?
Tracing the roots of a serious error in character and/or in outlook at times is not that simple. For instance, among the troubled women I have talked to, their being too emotional is rooted in having a sad, confusing
childhood experience like having lived in a broken home with uncaring parents. It is part of our nature to long and to belong, to care and be cared for, to love and be loved. If a person, for instance a young woman like you, did not have enough of these precious things in her childhood years, if her father and/or mother did not make her feel loved, she will desperately look for these things outside the home, from somebody whom she thinks can give the care and love she needs. The problem is that in her loneliness and confusion, she becomes rebellious and emotional. In the process, she cannot use her mind properly to find out first if the person she is going to love has a good character or not. She cannot control her emotions to allow the mind to find out first whether the man courting her has sincere or malicious intent.
If you are serious about fixing this aspect of your life, I suggest you get a small notebook. When you have some free time, write down in that notebook your reflections on your weaknesses and its roots. Find out how these weaknesses have affected your way of looking at life as well as your way of relating with people. Then, write down possible concrete ways of overcoming your weaknesses. Try to find someone you trust who is more mature than you emotionally, mentally and morally/spiritually. Share with him/her what you have written down. In this way, he/she could add clearer insights about the nature of your weaknesses and how to overcome it. You could of course also share these notes with me. I would be very happy to add my own insights and pieces of advice.”
I looked at my watch and said that I had to leave because of an appointment. I gave her my phone number and told her that she could call me up anytime. In fact, I said that I would like to hear from her again.
She smiled a little as she thanked me. As I stood up to leave, she said, “I will buy a notebook right now.”
I gave her a big smile and said, “I am very happy to hear that. It is good to take down notes on life. In this way, we are able to systematically study our important experiences and find out the lessons to be learned. These lessons increase our knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. As we then grow in wisdom, we increase our chances of finding the Path, the Road that leads to real and lasting happiness. Goodbye! Thank you also for trusting me with a very personal problem. Take good care of yourself.”
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