Notes on Life and Learning Lessons Chapter 3

On Forgiving

And Moving On

I once met a good old friend. We had not seen each other for 12 or 13 years. She helped my wife and me in a construction project near her town in Bicol. She was actually a good friend of a good friend. She treated us like her own younger brother and sister. A great Teacher of Life once said, “return kindness with kindness, helpfulness with helpfulness”. I invited her to stay at my house while she was here in the city. She happily accepted my invitation.

One afternoon at home, I asked her if she has forgiven her husband for abandoning her and their children for another woman. She said, “I have forgotten about it. I don’t think about it anymore.”

However, I felt the deep pain that was still in her heart. I told her to look at the coconut tree in front of my house. Then I told her to close her eyes. I asked her if the coconut tree is still there even if she does not see it anymore. She said, “Of course.”

Then I explained, “The pain in your heart when your husband left you and your husband is still there even when you say you do not think about it anymore. You can only leave the pain behind you when you have learned to forgive him.”

Perhaps she recalled that traumatic experience because her face began to look bitter. Quite emotionally, she replied, “How can I forgive him when he hasn’t even asked forgiveness? Do you expect me go to him and tell him that I have forgiven him?”

I calmly replied, “Do not tell him that you have forgiven him if he has not asked for forgiveness. It simply means that he has not yet clearly seen the gravity of his error. He might not see his error anymore if you forgive him prematurely. It is a different matter to just tell someone you have forgiven him and yet, there is still so much bitterness inside of you. It is entirely a different story when you forgive him in your heart. You should only forgive a person directly if he has repented and has asked for forgiveness. Forgiving a person in your heart concerns only yourself. So long as the bitterness in your heart remains, you cannot move forward in life as you should, for the bitterness is like a heavy load that pulls you down…it weakens the warmth of friendship you share and feel with your friends, it diminishes the love you give to your children, it lessens the brightness of your day and the peacefulness of your night. Try to look at that sad part of your past as an experience to learn from. Study the experience. Find out what went wrong and why you failed to correct the wrong things. Get the lessons to be learned, leave the pain behind and move on.

Always remember that the road ahead still has twists and turns, ups and downs. Use all the lessons you have learned from life to guide you. That way you make less mistakes. You will then have fewer sad experiences and more happy experiences. Move on, my friend, move on and…good luck!”