The Difference Between
Being Careful and Having
The Fear of Loving Again
It was nearing Christmas. I met a young lady friend at the campus. I asked her if she had someone special this Christmas. She smiled and said, “There is someone who is courting me. I met him a month ago. He looks okay. He appears to be basically a good and honest person. He says he wants to visit me this Christmas season at my home. I told him I would think about it.”
I asked her why she seemed to be reluctant when she said that the guy appeared to be basically good and honest. She paused for a while and her face began to look a bit sad. Then she said that she had a few boyfriends before and sadly enough those few boys made a fool of her. They just played with her. Some of them did not respect her feelings and ideas about things she did not want to do yet. She was now afraid to love again. She looked quite confused and sad.
“Do not be afraid to love again. It is our nature to love and be loved, to long and to belong. A Taoist philosopher once said,
Is it in each one to seek twoness,
And in each two, to seek oneness?
Can we choose not to love?
You just have to be careful,” I said. “Indeed, in our society where many men look at women as objects of pleasure, where women are seen and treated by many men as things to use and abuse, you have to be very careful. But, overcome your fears. There are also good and honest men.”
“But what is the difference between being very careful and having fears of loving a man again?” she asked.
“Being careful means that you take the time to know the man. Did you have enough time to know those few boyfriends you have had who were not worth your love and affection? Nowadays, many young people enter into a relationship after a few weeks of meeting the person. How can you truly know a man if he only brings you out to nice places, gives you nice gifts and talks only about the nice things in life? Did you try doing or saying something he did not like? You begin to know more about the true character of a man by the way he handles honest differences of views on important matters. Some men insist on their machismo or the so-called male superiority. They force to see and do things the way they like it. Such men are very selfish. They only think of that which makes them feel superior. They insist on that which flatters their male ego. They do not care much about other people’s feelings and ideas. They do not respect and appreciate a woman’s independence of thought and feelings. Such men, consequently, fail to value a personal relationship. Such men will only hurt you.
“To know the true character of a man is not easy. When you say or do things he does not approve of, he just might pretend that it is all right. He can pretend to be patient and understanding to win your love. So, think of ways by which you could see what they are hiding and hear what they possibly are not saying. Take time to know the man. More importantly, learn a lot from your past experiences. Go over your experiences again. Find out why you were not able to see the difference between what you thought of them initially, and what they really were after winning your heart. Find out the lessons to be learned. Use the lessons to guide you now. Being careful means that your heart is still open to those men who are truly sincere while it is closed to those men who have selfish and destructive intentions. Fears, on the other hand, close your heart right away to both sincere and insincere men. It means not giving yourself a chance to love again.”
There was silence for a while.
“Out of 10 men who court you, how many are sincere in their intentions?” I asked. “How many really care about your heart and mind? How many try their best to make you happy?”
“I guess only two out of ten men today would really love me and take real good care of me,” she replied. “My parents tell me that men today are different from the men of their time. My mother believed that there were more sincere men then, perhaps six out of ten.”
“If you are careful in choosing the man you will give your heart to, you will find the two out of ten men,” I said. “If you fear loving again, you will never find those two men. If you are not careful, you will end up with one out of the eight who are only after your body. So, just be careful.”
She thought for a while. Then she said, “I will have a visitor this Christmas. Though it is not easy to let go of my fears, I shall try to love again. Thank you and merry Christmas!”
I returned her Christmas greetings and added, “I know it is not easy to let go of your fears. All wounds take time to heal. A small wound in the heart is more difficult than heal a big wound on our hands. So again, be careful. If you learn from your mistakes, you will most likely find the man who will truly love you and who will take real good care of you someday. Goodbye and good luck!”
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