On the Difference
Between Love and Pity
A good old friend once came by to see me. He said he wanted to consult me on a very important problem. I said I was honored that he considered consulting me. I asked him what his problem was.
“There is someone I love. She is much younger than me. She had an unfortunate childhood experience. She comes from a battered family. Whenever she has a problem and I want to be of help to her, she thinks that I do it out of pity and not out of love for her. She has repeatedly turned down my offer of assistance.”
“How much do you love her?” I asked.
“Very much…deeply,” he said.
I saw in his eyes that he was telling the truth. Then he asked me, “Tell me, what is the difference between love and pity?”
I thought about the problem of battered children and wives. Almost a year ago, there was a conference on violence within the family. The conclusion was that it had increased considerably. As the family is the basic unit of society, the problem then is not personal. This is a social problem, a serious social problem.
The problem must be confronted seriously. For while the physical wounds can heal in a week or so, the much deeper wounds in the hearts and minds of battered children and wives can take many, many years to heal. Those who are less strong are never table to heal completely.
The conspiracy of silence must be broken. It must be shattered. Such silence actually is deafening to the victims since they suffer deeply in silence. The government and all concerned people should not cover up this social problem nor should they take a look at it lightly. There should be decisive laws and more public concern in stopping brutal men from battering their helpless children and wives. Such brutal men should be put behind bars to stop their cruelty. Such men are heartless criminals with distorted minds. In the shattering of the deafening silence, in the sharing of the pain, the healing begins.
I sadly looked at my friend and answered, “When there is someone who needs help, love and pity share a common goal. It is their desire to answer the immediate problem of the person. But, pity has a different way of looking at the person. It has a different way of looking at life. Pity does not involve itself with the roots of the problem. It does not concern itself with helping the person heal his/her wounds in the heart and in the mind. It is not concerned with the long-term goal of helping the person stand up on his/her own two feet. Nor is pity concerned with helping the person face life’s difficulties. Pity is only concerned with giving immediate relief like giving relief goods to disaster-stricken people or a peso or two to beggars and the poor street children. It will be a good start for people to search deeper for the root causes of such a social problem. Most of them, however, after the relief goods or money have already been given, forget the victims.
“Love, on the other hand, while being concerned with the immediate problem is also and more importantly concerned with the long-term goal of helping people understand life more. Love encourages them to seek and to fight for the good and noble life.”
“That is what I have been doing, sharing my experiences, listening to her problems and giving my views on her problems. But why could she not see that I love her? Instead, she only thinks that I pity her.”
“Perhaps the answer is in her sad past. There is so much pain in her heart. There is much confusion in her mind. Her dignity has been deeply wounded. She believes that to regain that dignity, she must refuse any assistance. In a way, it is a good thing that she strives to solve her problems through her own efforts. That will strengthen her character. You should be proud of her for striving to be self-reliant.
“But the problem comes when her best id not good enough. At that point in time, she actually needs help but doesn’t want help and so, she gets confused and bitter. Because she sees any offer of help as ‘out of pity’, she refuses to be loved by those capable of loving her. This situation makes her unable to love others. The wound in her heart can not be healed unless she learns how it is to love and to be loved. Until she learns that lesson, she will not be able to see clearly nor feel deeply what is truly in your heart.
“I suggest you refrain talking about that offer if yours to help her. When she herself wants to talk about it, that is the right time to offer your help again. Just tell her that anytime she needs you, you will always be there. Tell her that it will make you happy if you can help her for it is a way of expressing your love for her. Meanwhile, focus on sharing your humor and laughter. If you wish to share with her some of the things you have learned in life, remember that while your experiences and insights can help clear her sometimes confused mind, only gentleness, kindness and lovingness can heal the deep wound in her heart.
“And don’t forget – she is still quite young as you have said. Be patient. Remember how you thought and behaved when you were that young also. There are stages of development in life that we all pass through. It is up to us to hasten or slow down our progress depending on how fast or how slow we wish to learn from our experiences. Sadly speaking, some refuse to learn and so they keep on repeating the same mistakes. They get stuck on one stage of life.”
He stood up and said, “I have to go now. You have thrown a new light on a few important things that have troubled me for quite some time. Now, my heart feels lighter and my head, clearer. Indeed, you have changed. My friend, thank you very much. I hope to see you again.”
“I would be very happy to see you again. Bring along the young woman you deeply love. I would like to meet her. You know, my friend, we all change. Some change faster, some slower…some change for better, some, sadly, for worse. If we spend a little time everyday to look into our weakness, to study them and then to resolve to overcome them, we will change faster for the better. Goodbye. Take good care of yourself.”
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