On Choosing the Right Man
to Love and to Marry
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few years ago,
… a young woman who I once helped with a personal problem brought along her older sister - a singer in a foreign Asian country who feels it is high time for her to get married. However, she finds it hard to choose between her current boyfriend and a foreigner who has been courting her for some months. I asked her sister to tell me more about the problem.
She said, “ I have worked for around seven years now. I have saved some money. I am 28 years old and I believe it is time for me to get married and raise a family. I have a boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years although we got separated physically in the last two years because of my work. We get to see each other only during my two-week vacation once a year which I use during the Christmas season. My problem is that he is irresponsible. He has not worked for a year now. Even before that, he could not stick long to one job. I think he had around 5 jobs in the last 3 years. Some close friends of mine tell me that lately, he has been drinking too much with his friends quite often. His family is well-off that is why he can manage not to have work. But I love him, I feel strongly for him.
There is another man, a foreigner, who has been a good friend to me in the foreign country where I work. In the last few months, he said that his feelings for me developed and that he now loves me more than just a friend. He is a well-mannered man. He has his own business. He is a very responsible person. I do have a little feeling for him but it is much less than what I feel for my boyfriend. So, in your opinion, who should I choose to marry, my boyfriend or my former friend who now loves me? ”
“Choosing the man you will marry is a serious matter. A mistake can cause so much pain while a right decision will give you much happiness. It is right to take the time to analyze who the right man to marry is,” I said.
“ You should choose a partner in life who will be a good husband and a good father. Obviously, your current boyfriend will not be such as he is irresponsible; he will not be able to provide for the needs of your future family if ever. Even if his family is well-off, it is wrong to rely on the wealth of his parents. Besides, wealth wrongly used cannot last long. More importantly, your boyfriend will not be able to share the right ideas, the right values, the right moral guidance to you and especially to your children. He will not be able to make you nor your future children happy.
She then asked, “Can he not change? Is it impossible for him to change? Can you not help me change him?”
“Of course, any man can change.” I replied. “Every man has a free will. One can choose to think and act rightly or wrongly. The possibility of changing bad habits, of removing basic flaws or errors in one’s character depends on a few important factors. The more serious the person’s character defect is, the harder it is to fix. Irresponsibility is a serious defect. Generally, big defects in character have deep roots. The deeper the roots of one’s wrong ideas and values in life, the harder it is to uproot it, the more difficult it is to remove it. Another important factor is the amount of sincerity and determination the person has in removing his/her wrong ideas and values, in changing the defects in his/her character. As this is very important to you, would you like me to know more about the roots of your boyfriend’s irresponsibility and why you feel strongly for him? ”
Though looking a bit puzzled, she nodded. Then I asked her to give me the first real name of her boyfriend as well as her own real first name. Looking more puzzled than before, she obliged anyway. I then requested her to wait for around 10-15 minutes.
Thereafter, I said, “Your boyfriend’s irresponsibility is deeply-rooted. He got it from his father Mario, who has lived an irresponsible life. Mario, who inherited a lot of money and was spoiled by his parents, lived a happy-go-lucky kind of life. Further, because he grew up as a spoiled brat and his faults were not corrected, he resented being corrected by his officemates which explains why he could not also stay long in one job. Because Mario never got to mature emotionally, mentally and most important of all, morally, he passed on basically the same values he had to his children. Your boyfriend acquired much of his character defects from his father. He got his being irresponsible from his father.
Your boyfriend’s actions in the last year or so indicate that he does not intend to change his deeply-rooted faults. I see very little chance for him to change for now. I can share with you or with your boyfriend the right analysis of and the right solution to the problem. Yet, I cannot change his mind, nor can I remove from him his wrong ideas and wrong values in life. He has to make up his mind; he has to decide for himself. Yes, only he could remove his basic flaws in character.
As to why you feel strongly for him, I came to know of two reasons. One is because you have been together in your past lives, in 2 of your past lives to be exact. Even if you do not remember consciously such past lives, and indeed, very, very few people earn the right to know their past lives, your heart feels such togetherness in the past lives. That is why you feel strongly for him even if you do not exactly know why.
The right way of looking at relationships in the past lives is to simply look at it as in the past. Indeed, the past belongs to the past and if it no longer has a right place in the present; it should not be continued. While your boyfriend and you generally had a good relationship together in your past lives, it is wrong to continue it in the present if one of you or both of you will not be a good partner in life as in the case of your boyfriend. Since he cannot be a good husband and a good father, just be good friends in this present lifetime. At the same time, because you have karmic ties with him, regularly give him good advice to help him correct his faults but only as a friend.”
“Can you tell me more about this idea of past lives? This is not part of my beliefs as a Christian. Besides, why do you believe in past lives? Is it possible? Is it real?” she inquired.
“The idea of past lives, of reincarnation is quite a big topic. I will try to explain this to you in as short and as simple manner as I can. Perhaps, later, if you become seriously interested in the study of these things, I will be happy to share more details, more truths about it.
First, let me tell you that reincarnation for me is real because I myself began to know my past lives sometime in the middle of 1994. I met someone then, a professional electrical engineer as well as a Spiritual Teacher of Life. That man told me that I have already earned the right to be taught to do a few extraordinary things. Since then, reincarnation for me became not just an idea. I have direct knowledge of it. I can also know the past lives of other people if there is a right reason for me to know so.
A person’s lower consciousness is determined by three basic factors - his/her family upbringing, his/her social environment and his/her past lives. A problem, a skill, an idea, an emotion, any behavioral pattern, can thus be traced to either one of the three basic factors. If a certain problem or talent for instance, cannot be traced to family upbringing and/or social environment, I look into his/her past lives to know the roots of his/her problem or talent. In many cases, the roots of one’s problems can be traced to his/her family upbringing and social environment while in a few cases, it is rooted in a past life.
Of course, you cannot directly know what I know at least not for now. Thus, there is no way for you to tell if what I say about past lives is indeed true or not. Anyway, my advice to you is, do not simply take my word for it nor should you simply dismiss what I said. In life, even as you must be open-minded, you should also think critically. Before making a conclusion on an important topic, study the matter very carefully.
Every teacher has his own way of teaching something. I am a history professor and I regularly think of ways on how to simplify and improve my teaching. Sometimes. I think of how to present the same subject matter in a different way. While other Spiritual Teachers of Life have different presentations of reincarnation, I present it in this way:
Consider this world as one big school, one big university. Someone up there sent us here to study “The Course.” I call that Someone - The Father, while many others call him Allah, God, Tao, Brahman, Yahweh. This Course is entitled On the Right Way of Looking at Life. Like any other courses we study like Medicine, Engineering, Commerce, Liberal Arts, Computer Science, etc., there are many subjects to take up. Some basic subjects taken up are the right way and the wrong way of looking at women, at friends, at children, at parents, at boyfriends/girlfriends, at husbands/wives, at our fellow men, etc.
After studying the right way and the wrong way of looking at these relationships, you study the right and the wrong way of treating persons in such relationships. Thus, you study the right and the wrong way of treating your friends, your boyfriend/girlfriend, your husband/wife, your parents, your children. You may also call the course, How to be a Good Person and consequently, you study subjects like how to be a good child, a good friend, a good boyfriend/girlfriend, a good husband/wife, a good father/mother.
Other important subjects have to do with the right way and the wrong way of looking at sex, money and power. Accordingly, you also study the right use and the wrong use of sex, money and power.
If you are studying a subject like the history of the
In the same manner for instance, on the subject of the right way and the wrong way of looking at wives and of treating them, how many husbands regularly and seriously take the time to study the wrong things they are doing to their wives?
Further, how many study why they do these wrong things, i.e., where did they acquire, where did they learn such wrong ideas, such wrong treatment of their wives? This is finding the roots of one’s wrong ideas, values, habits. You can only permanently solve a problem if you go to its roots and uproot it. Then, they should also study the right ideas, the right ways of treating one’s wife compared to the wrong ideas and wrong ways. Finally, they should study how to gradually change these wrong things they are doing to their wives. How many husbands take down notes on this very important relationship and regularly review these notes?
I believe there are very, very few men who do take the time to study these things and seriously resolve to correct their misdeeds. Thus, many men fail this subject of being a good husband. Indeed, many men grow old and die without seriously studying the right way of looking at and of treating their wives.
Just like in any school, when you fail a subject, you take it up gain until you pass it. It is also the same with failing to be a good husband. You go back into this world, into this
There have been some hundreds who have graduated from the
These Schools later became some of the organized religions we have now. Some students who took over their School when the Spiritual Teacher has died, changed some subjects and misinterpreted many teachings. Worse, some students later on used the School for very selfish reasons like accumulating wealth and power.
Remember this - in life, you must learn to think by yourself, you must learn to teach yourself. You must find out for yourself the right way and the wrong way of looking at issues, problems, and situations. You must not blindly believe anything or anybody. The Father Above gave you a mind of your own. Use it.”
“Very interesting,” she said. “I agree with you on that point - that very, very few people seriously study how to be a good friend, a good boyfriend/girlfriend, a good husband/wife and the right way of looking at and of using sex, money and power. I think many people do not even think of studying these things. People nowadays are just concerned with earning money, gaining recognition and having fun. People just move on and on through life without really seriously studying these things, these subjects as you call them. And of course, you cannot pass a subject if you do not study it.
And what is the other reason why I feel strongly for my boyfriend now? Is this other reason also very interesting?”
I lightly smiled for a while and then turned serious. Then I said, “Another reason for your strong feelings for him is that he was the first and the only one you trusted your body with completely. As you have self-respect, you feel that after having premarital sex with him, you feel committed to him no matter what and that if you break up with him, you would feel having been cheated.
You should love and marry a person for the right reasons. Having had premarital sex with him is not one such right reason. You should love and marry a person primarily because of his good character. Consider your premarital sex with him as a mistake. For a mature, responsible person, sex is a very important matter that should be done with the right person, with the right character and at the right time.
It was your boyfriend who pressured you to have premarital sex. Because he is an irresponsible person, he did not wait for the right time. Next time, if your boyfriend pressures you to have sex, tell him firmly that it is not yet the right time to do it. If he insists, break up with him. You cannot be happy with someone who cannot respect your honest feelings and your good ideas in life. You cannot be happy with someone who imposes his lust and his wrong, bad ideas on you.
We all make mistakes in life. Mistakes in life should be corrected. You correct your mistake by not doing it again, I mean, by not having premarital sex again. You do not correct that mistake by getting married with him. You would only complicate your mistake. You would only commit another mistake.”
She looked bothered by my knowledge and discussion of her having premarital sex with her boyfriend. She felt that it was too personal, too private for me to have looked into. I said I only brought up the matter because it was very important and very necessary. As she sought my advice, it was my duty to point out to her that mistake and how to correct it. I stressed that I only wanted to help and to help correctly, I have to get all the necessary information. After a while she looked respectfully serious again.
Then I continued, “That foreigner who was a good friend of yours before and who is now courting you, is a good, responsible, mature loving person. He will be a good husband and a good father to your children if ever.
If you choose your boyfriend, because he will not be a good husband and a good father to your children, whatever strong feelings you have for him now will gradually become weak and die. If you choose the foreigner, because he will be a good husband and a good father, whatever little feelings you have for him now will grow and flourish. As you seek my opinion, I believe you should choose the foreigner.”
There was silence between us for some minutes. Then, she said, “Thank you for your advice. The points you raised are clear. But, my heart feel heavy for now because I feel strongly for my current boyfriend. I guess I really should learn to use my head instead of my heart in making the decision.”
“You are right,” I replied. “You should use your head so you could make the right decision. Further, in using your head, you must have the right ideas, the right values. Thus, you should seriously and systematically study the right ideas as well as the wrong ones in relation to your problem.
They say that love is blind. That is true. That is why love cannot see which way to go. Love can travel in the wrong direction or in the right direction. If a person, blinded by love, loves the wrong person, their relationship will travel in the wrong direction. That person will have lots of troubles, confusion, bitterness. That person will not be happy. He/she will be lonely, confused and sad.
For love to travel in the right direction, the head must take control of the heart. The head must look for the right person with the good character to love. If the person gets to choose the right man/woman, that relationship will travel in the right direction. There will be lots of caring for each other and though there will be some hard times ahead, they will share the burden and stick to each other no matter what. It will generally be a happy relationship.”
She half-smiled. She then said that she had used up much of my time and that she also had to go to meet somebody. She then rose up from her seat and thanked me. As she was about to leave the gate, I told her, “It is a duty and a happiness to help somebody. I am happy if I was able to help you. Oh, I expect you to give me a wedding invitation if ever.”
She warmly smiled and said, “Of course. In fact, I would like you to be one of the sponsors in my wedding with the foreign suitor.”
I also warmly, happily smiled back.
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