On Loving a Man with a
Weakness for Women
| O |
ne afternoon,
… I was leaving school when I saw along the corridor an old student of mine I have not seen for a few years. We excitedly greeted each other and asked how the years had been since our last meeting. In the course of our conversation, I told her that one of her former classmates told me that she was about to get married soon to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was a young military officer assigned to a province quite far from her. I asked if she recently got married. Unexpectedly, her lively sweet face turned sad. We were quiet for a few minutes as I waited for her reply.
Then she said, “There will no longer be any wedding. Chances are, I will break up with my boyfriend in a few days.”
“If you still trust me like before and you think I might be able to give a few valuable insights and pieces of advice, you could share your problem with me. I have nothing to do for an hour or so.”
She looked at my eyes as if trying to find out if she could trust me with a deep sad secret. After a few minutes of silence, again, she said, “I think I really need someone to talk to right now, … someone who could help me analyze my problem with my boyfriend. I am so confused and I feel so bitter.”
As the corridor is not a good place to talk over a serious personal problem, she pointed to a place in the campus where we could talk more in private. We then walked a few minutes and sat down on a bench.
She continued her story, saying “It is true that my boyfriend and I were planning to get married a few months from now. But just a week ago, I received a letter from a woman who claimed to have a serious relationship with my boyfriend. The woman said my boyfriend courted her and that she knew about me only after she has accepted him. The other woman also said that they already had done it all the way. You know what I mean Sir. A few days ago, when my boyfriend called me up, I told him about the letter. He said that the woman was the one who ran after him, and that he doesn’t really love that woman.
He said that I am the one he loves and that we should continue our plan of getting married around two months from now. He will come over in a few days so we could talk more about the problem and our plans. As I said, I am so confused. I feel bitter that my boyfriend betrayed me, that he has another woman. I am confused because he says that I am the one he loves and that we should go on with our plans of getting married. I don’t know whether I should still believe him or not when he comes back to explain his side.”
I said, “It is right to listen to him, to hear his side. But, as he had betrayed your trust, you should not immediately believe what he says. You should take time to find out whether what he will say is true or not.”
“But how will I know the truth? I know, Sir, that you have a special way of knowing what people are thinking. Can you help me now? Can you find out what really happened between my boyfriend and the other woman? Who do you think is telling the truth?”
I replied, “An old Chinese proverb says that if you give a fish to a hungry man, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to catch fish, you would have taught him how to feed himself for the rest of his life. If I tell you right now who is telling the truth and who is lying, I will be able to help you solve only one of your problems. If I teach you how to correctly analyze a problem, what you could possibly do to find out the truth and a few pointers on how to correctly solve the problem, I would have taught you how to face the many other problems that would come your way.”
She was silent. I continued, “First, of course, you must remember that it is the mind that analyzes things. Thus, you must not let your emotions, your feelings influence and determine the outcome of your investigation. As your boyfriend tell his side of the story, find out possible inconsistencies. Then, tell your boyfriend that you want to have some time, a few days or even a few weeks, to sort things out. Such statement would also make your boyfriend take you more seriously as he would realize that you are now more critical and less emotional when it comes to serious personal problems like his womanizing and infidelity. As you analyze his statements, also take into proper consideration your boyfriend’s background with regard to truthfulness, honesty and fidelity. I mean consider how many times in your relationship has he told you lies, small ones as well as big ones. Chances are a person accustomed in doing such wrong things would do it again. As you have the address of the other woman, it might be good to tell this woman his story and ask her who is telling the truth. Weigh her reply as she may or may not also tell you the truth simply because she is emotionally involved. Indeed, uncontrolled, misdirected emotions negatively affect our ability to be objective, to be able to see things as they really are.”
She was silent, carefully listening. After a while, she said, “If after analyzing his story, I believe that he is lying, there is no more reason for me to go on with our relationship. If however, I believe that the other woman really ran after him, what then? Should I forgive him?”
I said, “Your boyfriend has committed a mistake. We all make mistakes because we all have weaknesses. We all have flaws in our character. However, weaknesses and/or flaws in character can be either big and serious or it could me minor and not serious. Being impatient, lazy, or frequently being late on appointments are small errors, minor flaws in character. Of course, these small flaws could become big and serious flaws if not corrected on time and if aggravated by certain circumstances.
However, to play with another person’s life, not to love a woman and yet to use her body to satisfy one’s craving for sexual pleasures is an entirely different matter. This kind of error is a serious one, it reflects a major flaw in character. Even assuming your boyfriend’s story is true that the woman ran after him, his taking advantage of this woman’s weakness is a reflection of a serious flaw in character. Generally, the bigger the defect in character, the harder it is to change such defect. Big defects in character have deep roots and thus, are harder to uproot.
In deciding whether or not to continue the relationship after you have found out that indeed the woman ran after him, there are two things you have to carefully consider: one is, as it will be hard to help him correct his serious flaw in character, how much do you love him that you are willing to take that big risk of whether or not he will be able to eventually overcome his serious weakness?
The second point is, you must also find out how much he loves you that he will try his best to change and correct his serious flaw in character. If you love him that much that you are willing to give him another chance, you must first find out if he too loves you that much that he will try his best to keep his promise not to betray your trust again.”
She nodded. She was now a bit composed. Then I said I had to leave for an appointment but that she could call me up anytime whenever she thinks I could be of help.
As I stood up to leave, she asked, “If after carefully weighing the two sides of the problem, I am still confused as to who is really telling the truth, can I call you up and ask you to read their minds and tell me who indeed is telling the truth?”
I sympathetically smiled a little and said, “Of course. You can always to call me up to find out the truth. The important thing here is for you to try first to find out the truth for yourself. It is simply like a homework. You must first try to solve the problem by yourself. If after trying your best to solve the problem, you are not sure of your answers, then you can consult the teacher on whether your answer was right or wrong.
In life, we must continuously develop that ability to find out the truth for ourselves especially nowadays when more and more people are becoming better in telling lies.” I kept silent for a while as my mind turned to the problem of the many so called spiritual teachers, “gurus” who claim to know, through some so called special ways, the real answers to the many problems of people. Most of them are plain and simple liars, charlatans, racketeers. They take advantage of the people’s loneliness and confusion, especially those with deep emotional problems and/or with serious financial problems. The real Spiritual Teacher does not make a business out of helping people.
She then said that she also had to leave as her class was about to begin. I shook her hand and said, “Well then, good luck! What else can I
say but, … be brave and be wise! Consider the problem as a means of becoming stronger and wiser than before.”
She lightly smiled as we parted.
October 1996
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