Notes on Life and Learning Lessons Chapter 8

On the Wearing of Sexy Clothes

And Buddha’s Middle Way

I once met a former student at the university canteen. After the greetings, we had a light talk. In the course of our conversation she said that she would go on a blind date the following evening. The date was arranged by a friend who said that her date was good-looking. She asked me, “I know sir that you are a bit conservative. Do you think it would be good for me to wear sexier clothes so I would look more appealing?”

I laughed. Then she said, “Serious na tayo, Sir (Let us be serious, sir). I am now 25 and I believe it is time to seriously consider getting married one or two years from now. So, what do you say?”

I stopped laughing. Realizing that she really wanted a piece of advice, I said, “So we are now serious. If you wear sexy clothes, either you attract the wrong kind of men or you meet a good man whose sexual instincts will be aroused when he sees you. He will see you as a sex object. He will focus his attention on your body. He will no longer be interested in knowing what is inside your heart and mind.”

“But isn’t physical and sexual attraction important?”

“You were once a student of mine in Asian history,” I said. “Do you remember a great Asian teacher who once spoke of the Middle Way? There is great wisdom in His teachings. If I will apply that general principle to your question, I will say avoid the two extreme ways of looking at sexual or physical attraction. To view it and behave as if it is not important, as if it does not exist like what some religious people do, is wrong. The fact is, it is there, it is natural. It is a part of us and therefore we should use it. To treat it as if it is the most important thing in life, to allow our passions and desires rule our lives is also equally wrong. For our passions and desires are like flames. The flame can be used to warm people’s hearts and to make them feel our love and affection, or it can be used to burn others and ourselves to the ground. The point to remember is this: while sexual or physical attraction is a natural part of us, we must use it correctly.

I paused for a while. I thought of sharing further the idea of how passions and desires can be transformed into something “higher”. So I continued and said, “If you continuously use passions and desires to express love and compassion for others, you purify your emotions. Later, you will notice that in the process, your intimacy with the person you love becomes more and more meaningful and wonderful. At a certain point, such intimacy becomes so beautiful, for depth has found depth.”

She said that what I said sounded good though a bit heavy. She looked a bit confused. She asked again, “So what should I wear? Should I wear clothes like those of nuns?”

I laughed again. Then I said, “Hindi bagay sa’yo ang magsuot ng damit pang-madre! (Wearing a nun’s dress does not fit your personality!)” Seriously, just dress neatly, smile and talk calm and clearly when you meet him. On meeting and talking with a person, a Taoist once said:

Too loud and we are not heard. Too bright and we are not seen. Too fancy we are hidden. Too much and we are obscured. Let speaking come from deep within.

Is the saying too heavy? I am just trying to refresh your memory regarding Taoism which we used to study in Asian history. Anyway, since you are basically a good and sincere person, just be yourself. If your blind date doesn’t find you ‘attractive enough’ even only as a good friend, then he is probably not looking for someone to love forever but only for a cheap sex thrill. Forget him. He is not the right man for you. A good man never plays with people’s lives for our life is a precious gift from Someone Above.”

She then replied, “Heavy na kayo, Sir, (You are now profound, Sir,) but I am glad I talked to you. I will just be myself when I meet him tomorrow. I really hope to see you again.”

Before bidding her goodbye, I said, “Your friend has said your date is good-looking. Give more weight to his character. Good looks are good only for another 25 more years or so. It has nothing to do with having a good boyfriend. A good character lasts a lifetime. It has a lot to do with having a worthy companion in life. Goodbye and good luck!”