A Mistress’ Dilemma
| T |
here was once a young woman in her early twenties who consulted me on a delicate topic - on being a mistress. She admirably worked her way through college. She worked for a few years to earn enough money to later finance her studies. She was not the ordinary, stereotype kind of mistress who lived on the finances of the married man. In fact, I found her to be quite good. In our discussion, there were issues raised that I thought were common issues on marriage and love. I thought it was a good idea to share this story and so, …
It was early afternoon when we met. She was referred to me by someone who once consulted me. After the initial greetings and sharing of basic information about each other, I asked her how I can be of help to her.
She then looked serious, quite tense and with a tinge of confusion and sadness. She began her story directly with the problem saying, “My friend told me you give good advice. Nakakahiya sabihin itong problema ko pero kailangan ko talagang harapin dahil parang na-gui-guilty ako na hindi ko maintindihan. Pero, ayaw ko rin mawala siya. Involve ako sa isang married man for a year now.” She then stopped for a while as if waiting for my reaction.
I said, “Thank you for sharing a very delicate secret. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you also for your friend’s kind words to me. Regarding your problem, it is natural and normal for us to love and be loved, to care and to be taken cared of, to trust and be trusted, to long and to belong. It is part of our nature. It is as natural and normal as eating. But, if we eat too much or if we eat the wrong kind of food, we will eventually have health problems. We have to control our instinct for hunger. If we control it, we can then use it in the right way, i.e., we will then be able to eat the right amount of food and the right kind of food.
The same it is with love as an emotion, as an impulse. If we love the wrong person or if we express our love in a wrong way, we will have problems. Thus, like the instinct of eating, we should control our emotions, our impulse to love. Can you please share what happened? Can you tell me the circumstances so we could know more about the problem?”
She continued her story, “I met him a year ago thru a common friend. He was a gentleman, he moved and talked nicely. He was not rough unlike many men I have met. He was much older than me, 12 years older. He was just married a few months ago before we first met. He has a small thriving business. He is a very responsible person, a self-made man. After the first meeting, he would sometimes call me up and we would have a friendly talk. We would meet regularly at our common friend’s house. We enjoyed each other’s company. I guess I gradually “fell”
for him. You know what I mean. So, even if I knew that he was already married, I could not say no when he proposed his love to me.
I knew then that somehow our relationship was wrong but I could not stop myself from loving him. Furthermore, he told me that he really loved me more than his wife and that, in due time, he will leave his wife. He will tell his wife that he loves me more, that he will be more happy with me and so his wife should understand that and let him go. We will then be together forever. I believed him and I look forward to the day we will be together forever. My friend whom you once helped told me that what I am thinking and doing is wrong. A part of me says that it is wrong but another part of me says that it is not wrong because we love each other. Furthermore, he is planning to file a legal separation with his wife so there will be no legal problem without living together. Well, those more or less are the important aspects of my problem. What do you think? Is it right or is it wrong to continue our relationship?”
“You are basically a good person. That is why you still have a fair sense of right and wrong. However, you cannot see now what is right and what is wrong because your emotions, your impulses to love is overwhelming your mind. As I said earlier, you must control your emotions so your mind could see clearly what is right and what is wrong. Many people believe they think objectively, that they see things and issues objectively. A Spiritual Teacher once gave this story to illustrate how our physical needs and emotions could affect our minds and make us unable to see things objectively. The story goes this way:
One night, the Spiritual Teacher looked at the moon which was about 3 quarter’s full. He then told his disciples, “Our lesson for tonight is this - look at the moon and nothing else. Later, when I tell you to stop, tell me what you saw.”
The disciples then looked at the moon. One of them, feeling impatient, stopped and asked his Teacher, “Sir, what can else can we but the moon when you look at the moon. What kind of lesson is this? It looks foolish.”
The Teacher replied, “When a very hungry man looks at the moon, he might see a ball of cheese. A man, very much in love, might see the face of his beloved.”
In life, we must strive to see things objectively, to see things as they really are. To achieve that, our minds must take control of our physical instincts and emotional impulses. And so, regarding your problem, the simple fact is that the man you love is a married man. He belongs to another woman already. It is not right to take him away from his wife. You should have never even entertained the idea of having that kind of relationship with him. It is wrong to continue your present kind of relationship.”
“But, why is it wrong to tell his wife that he now loves someone more? Is it not fair and right for the wife to let go of her husband so he can be truly happy? As adults, is it not right to talk things over, to be honest and tell your wife that you now love someone more and that they could part ways amicably,” she argued.
“When you marry a person, it is not just due to an emotional impulse. Most importantly, it should be due to an act of will. Marrying someone is a commitment, a promise. An act based on emotional impulse like being happy, angry, sad, etc., is a very temporary thing. You are happy or angry or sad only for some minutes, hours or even a few days or weeks. Accordingly, acts based on such temporary emotions cannot last long. Marriage should be based on a firm decision by the mind that as the marriage vow goes, “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, till death do us part.”
If marriage or deeply loving somebody is just based on emotional impulses, then surely a time will come when your husband or lover will find someone better that you. Better could mean more beautiful or more intelligent or higher in status. Does that mean that it is right for him to leave you just as he left his previous wife and be with the new woman he allegedly loves more?
You know, if you really love the man, you should help him to become a better husband, a better father, a better person. You should tell him that he should control his emotional impulses, that he should strengthen his will in doing his duties as a husband and as a father, that he should strive more to deepen his relationship with his wife and children. As adults, we should be more mature than children which do not have yet enough control over their emotions and minds. As adults, we should be mature enough to control our physical instincts and emotional impulses. As an adult, these are the things you should tell him. You should not encourage his moves to leave his wife. You should him from leaving his wife who has done nothing seriously wrong to be left behind just like that.”
“So, you believe that marriage is forever. You are against legal separation or divorce. But in many countries, they easily allow divorce and separations.”
‘I also do not believe that any and all marriages should be forever. There are always right and wrong reasons for doing something. In life, you must do things for the right reasons. If you are to leave your wife or husband, it must be for the right reasons. What are some right reasons? Some obvious reasons are adultery, wife beating, continuous verbal abuse, abandonment of basic duty like being very irresponsible in providing the basic material needs of the family or in the case of a housewife, very irresponsible in taking care of the house and children. If a husband or a wife no longer has basic respect for the other and/or refuses to perform his basic duties for a reasonable long period of time, it is right to break up the marriage. But meeting someone with which you have stronger emotional feelings is not the right reason.
If marriage is not always forever, it is also not just a simple, casual kind of relationship. It is a serious, sacred relationship in which both parties involved swear to try their very best to respect and take good care of each other. As I said, it is an act of will, a promise, a commitment. Adults, being expectedly much more emotional and mentally mature than children, should keep their promises, they should have a word of honor. Indeed, one good way to measure a man’s or a woman’s character is his/her ability to keep his/her word.”
She looked sad and disappointed. I told her, “ I know you do not like what I am saying. You came to me for advice. It is my duty to tell you what I know is the right way of looking at your problem. Though you may not see this now, but the truth is I am concerned with your happiness. You cannot really be happy for long if you are doing things for the wrong reasons.
Assuming that the married man you love really deeply loves you, he should love you and you should love him in a right way, i.e., there is a right expression and a wrong expression of love depending on the circumstances. As he is a married man, he should love you and you should love him only in your hearts and minds. Both of you should not possess each other physically. Loving a person in the heart means that you are always there to help him/her in his/her problem is life. It is very similar to a love between close friends. Friends share problems, time and resources but they do not touch each other sexually. That is the right kind of expression of your love for each other.
You are a good, bright woman. There will be many single men who will court you. Choose the man who has a good character, a man who can make a commitment, a promise, a firm decision to love you forever. You will be happy forever with such kind a man.”
She smiled a little and then, became sad again. We were quiet for a few minutes. Then she said, “Thank you for your advice though it hurts. It is not easy for me to just let go. It is not easy to just let go of someone whom you loved for many months.”
“I know,” I sympathetically replied. “It is natural and normal to feel pain whenever we get separated from someone we love. And the deeper the relationship, the greater is the pain upon the separation. A fresh wound in your body will give you pain and the deeper the wound, the more painful it is. A fresh wound in your heart will also give you pain. A wound in your body would in time get healed. And so I sincerely wish the same would also happen to your wounded heart if you so decide to follow my advice. Let time heal also the wound in your heart when you let go. When we encounter sad and bitter experiences in life, we must remember that life must go on no matter what. And, we must move in the right direction so we will find real and lasting happiness. To move in the right direction, we must make the right decisions.”
With misty eyes, she stood up and told me she had to go. She thanked me and asked if she could see me again. I said, “Of course. In fact, I would be happy to see you again.”
I shook her hand and told her, “It was nice meeting you. It is always nice to meet a good person. Take good care of yourself.”
She warmly smiled and said goodbye.
August 1998
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