Some Notes on Sex, Love, and Happiness Chapter 2

On Getting to Know More

the Character of a Suitor

Once, I stopped by a small canteen just before going up to Baguio. It was around 11:00 PM then. I decided to take a cup of coffee to further wake me up, to sharpen my senses just before I go up the zigzag road.

A young woman, around 19-20 years old, took my orders of one hard-boiled egg and coffee. As it was very late at night, I was the only customer then. To pass away the time, I hoped to start a conversation with the young woman by telling her that I can do some fortune telling. She happily smiled and said, “Really? How do you do it? By reading the lines in the palm or through card reading?”

I said, “Just give me your real first name and the real first name of either your father or mother.”

Looking quite surprised at my method of fortune telling but nonetheless still excited, she said that “nahihiya siyang magpahula” because what she would like to ask was very personal. It had something to do with her boyfriend. I said I just wanted to help if I could and that matters of the heart are delicate, sensitive, important matters. She should consult somebody who could give her good advice, somebody who is emotionally, mentally mature and morally upright.

As I was about to finish my coffee, she confided her problem. She said that she somewhat feels, “may kutob siya,” that her boyfriend has another woman, that her boyfriend is fooling her. She wanted to know the truth. She gave me then her first name and her father’s first name.

After a few minutes of silence, I asked her if she is still studying. She said she stopped already due to financial reasons. She was able to reach first year college. I told her she should try to save money so she could finish her studies someday. After telling her my full name, I told her that I am a history teacher in one of the universities in Baguio.

Then, I asked her what subjects did she find very hard when she was in high school. She said she found Math and Physics very hard. I asked again, “If you had a homework then in Math or Physics which you could not solve on your own, did you let somebody do that difficult homework for you?”

She answered, “ I would ask a classmate who was good at Math and Physics to teach me how to solve a few problems. Then I would try to solve the other problems myself and ask my classmate if it was right or wrong. It is not right to just let somebody do the entire homework.”

“It is the same thing with your problem now. It is not right for me to simply tell you the facts and the solution to your problem. I will teach

you only a few basic things, a few important ideas on how to solve your problem. First, you must do some detective work on your boyfriend. Ask friends you can trust to help you find out if your boyfriend has another woman in school or outside school. Ask them also if they know something but they are just afraid to tell you because you might get very emotionally upset and depressed.”

She nodded even as her face became more sad. Then, I continued, “What if you found out that your boyfriend has another woman? What will you do?”

She cried and said, “You already know that he has another woman. You just do not want to tell me directly.”

“You are right. But it is your duty to find the truth by yourself. You should not just rely on what I say or believe iyong kutob mo. You should do the rest of the homework. In life, even as we seek answers from those who we think know more truths about life, we should still try to know the truths thru our own efforts. We should not blindly believe anybody. We should learn to teach ourselves. We teach ourselves by continuously developing the habit of finding out the right way vis-à-vis the wrong way of looking at a certain thing. As we develop this kind of habit, we get to know more and more about the right way of looking at life.

And if after finding out for yourself that indeed he has another woman, should you cry over such a man who is dishonest, who plays with a woman’s life, who takes lightly a delicate, important thing called love? Should you cry over a man who has no word of honor, who makes promises he does not really intend to keep?”

She stopped crying, became more composed and kept silent. Then I asked her, “How long did you know him before you gave your love to him?”

She said, “He courted me for around a month. He was neat and quite good-looking and so I became attracted. He also acted like a good man, like a man you can trust. So, I gave him my love. Well, I made a mistake. After some time, after getting you know, physically intimate, he began to become a bit cold. Lately, he acts as if he no longer wants to see me, making many excuses why he could not see me. Tell me, how can you know if a man is really sincere or not?”

“Sometimes, it is not that easy to know whether a person is sincere or not. Some people are very good at hiding their real intentions. You must think of ways to see their inner, real character.

For instance, if a suitor comes up to you, you could tell him that for the meantime, you just want to be friends. Only after around 8-10 months, will you consider whether you would just remain friends or you could become lovers. If he is not sincere, do you think he can wait that long?”

A man who is only after your face and your body, a man who is primarily after pleasures, cannot wait that long. That kind of man with a low level of moral/spiritual development will look for pleasure in another woman in a short while. He will either think of courting another woman right away and/or he will get “cheap thrills” from women who sell their bodies for reasons such as poverty, wrong upbringing, and/or due to a traumatic experience.

It is said that love is patient. That is true. For the man who sincerely loves you, a man who is emotionally, mentally and morally mature, 8-10 months is not a big problem. You should also test him on how selfish or unselfish he is. This is important as you cannot be happy with a selfish man who thinks primarily of his own needs, comforts and wants.

For instance, make an appointment with him. Purposely be late for about an hour. If he is a very selfish man, he will immediately get upset or even angry at you for making him wait that long. If he is a mature unselfish person, the first thing he would ask is if there was something bad or urgent that happened that made you late. The unselfish person is more concerned in knowing and understanding why you were late than thinking and complaining about his own comfort.

When you are discussing a certain topic, purposely disagree with him on a certain point. See how he would react. A selfish man would aggressively insist on his own point of view as his masculinity depended on it. Such a man could become dangerous as he would later tend to control more and more the woman’s life. He will dictate on the woman what to do and what not to do. He would also destroy the emotional, mental and spiritual growth of the woman.

An unselfish man willingly and patiently listens to other points of view especially if it comes from the woman he loves. He respects other people’s opinions. He has a deep respect for women just like the deep respect he has for his mother and sisters.

Then I noticed that about 45 minutes have passed. I told her that I had to go. I asked her how much I had to pay for the hard-boiled egg and the coffee. Instead of answering, she asked me also how much does she have to pay for my fortune telling and pieces of advice.

I said, “It is a duty, a privilege and a happiness to serve people. I do not charge anything for these things. It is not right. Those from somewhere up there who taught me these things did not charge me anything.”

She smiled at me and replied, “You need not pay me also. Consider it as my way of saying thank you.”

I happily smiled and thanked her. Before I left, I said, “Remember to find out the truth about your boyfriend. Then, study your experience and find out the lessons you could learn from it. These lessons

will guide you on how to correctly choose the next man you will love. Matters of the heart are delicate. Be careful. Then when you have chosen the right man, you will live happily ever after, just like in the movies! Good luck to your lovelife!”

As I opened the door of my car, I once more looked at her. She also looked at me. Then, she smiled and waved goodbye.

June 1996